How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Page 6
Facing Page: Vetwrap bandaging tape is stretchy, sticks only to itself and comes in lots of pretty colours.
Don’t compare yourself to other’s skills or endurance. Only your Top should beat you up, not yourself.
Protocol, Etiquette and Manners
Protocol is a set of conventions that dictates how a person is to act in a given situation. Etiquette is how you act in that situation and manners are how you react when others don’t follow those conventions. Established M/s relationships that work well will have a strong element of all of these three in them. A Master or Mistress is always in control. Their slave or submissive is a direct reflection of their influence on and training of their charge. If a slave steps out of line in his or her behavior, it reflects poorly on the Dominant. Likewise if you have an issue with a slave who you feel may have been rude or exhibited any other undesired behavior, you would not approach that slave and say, “I find your behavior rude,” as he is a direct reflection of his Master’s control. You instead must go to the Dominant and express your concern and possible displeasure. She might have many reasons or none at all for the slave’s behavior; it is not up to us to decide. If a slave has been rude then it his Mistress who will mete out the punishment.
Be creative when finding new things to use as tit clamps.
1 Tear or snip the ends off circus balloons. 2 Line them up. 3 Slip one over your thumb and forefinger and pinch the nipple. 4 Then let them roll off and into place. 5 Yum.
Stockings show off your sub's sexy curves and always make a scene even hotter.
Finishing the ends of your rope with whipping thread will make it easier to pull it through tight spots.
Oftentimes in our society you will find vanilla issues conflicting with a M/s dynamic. The Western world’s values center on independency and assertiveness and this can be seen on the surface as in conflict with the polite subservience a Master would expect from those who are in service to him. A Master or Mistress should always be in control. He or she should be composed, calm, and not reactionary to extraneous outside forces that would cause a vanilla person to falter or stumble. But stumble we will at times, and being able to say, “I was wrong, I am accountable,” will demonstrate the strength of your character if indeed you are at fault. Similarly, forgiveness of the shortcomings of others is a hallmark of a strong character. A M/s relationship is governed by certain levels of protocol. Protocol not only gives slaves the outline for acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a situation; it also gives Dominants an understanding of how their slaves and other slaves are to act in any situation.
Silicone toys can go in the dishwasher.
There are three levels of protocol essential to a healthy, functioning M/s dynamic:
Low: This is where day-to-day and vanilla life appear the closest. A collar may or may not be worn; it might involve grocery shopping, laundry, picking the kids up at daycare, et cetera. Vanillas would not normally be able to immediately discern that there is an M/s dynamic functioning other than one partner doting on another.
Mid: This is a level of protocol for public BDSM-centered functions, such as a fetish night party. The slave would be given instructions ahead of time as to what is expected of him, such as fetching drinks, waiting in line for the play equipment while the Mistress socializes, and acting in accord to their Master’s desires. At this level it is clearly apparent through behavior and codified methods of attire that there is an M/s dynamic at work.
High: This is the most demanding level of protocol, usually used for short periods of time to demonstrate complete servitude. It might entail the serving of Afternoon or “High” Tea, where white gloves and a formal seating arrangement reflect the generosity of the host and well-trained slaves reflect a high degree of exact measure. High protocol is also used to demonstrate at a class or training function. This level of protocol is difficult to keep up for long periods of time because of the exacting standards. However for me it is a joy to see an exceptionally well-trained slave serve at a high protocol event. There is a spring in his step, his movements filled with purpose, and lightness in his heart when serving his Mistress in the most demanding way possible, where every detail is scrutinized and each and every movement is watched carefully. For a slave, there is no greater opportunity to demonstrate his love in public than this opportunity to demonstrate the skill sets that his Mistress has required him to achieve.
I have a very good friend who is a slave and the protocol his Mistress has set out for him includes writing in his journal every night and bowing on his hands and knees before a pair of her boots before climbing into bed. Part of his etiquette with her is also having the chance to polish her boots before she arrives and then lacing them onto her when she is settled and comfortable. His manners are impeccable when he’s out at a club whether or not his Mistress is with him. If others try to touch his collar or boss him around because he is a slave, he simply smiles and reminds them, “No touch, not yours.” This is a nice, polite way of letting others know the boundaries that he and his Mistress have established. You will find that incorporating protocol, etiquette and manners into your M/s practice will provide you with the scaffolding to better structure the dynamic of your relationship and give you both a common language for understanding each other.
Facing Page: Don't forget to restrain all parts of your submissives.
Forced orgasms on the Sybian are more fun than you can imagine!
Use water-based lube on silicone toys, NOT silicone lube. Confusing but necessary.
What happens if you have a solid one-on-one relationship—a Master with one slave—and you want to shift things into a more polyamorous relationship? What are the strengths and pitfalls of introducing new partners into your established dynamic and how do you do it successfully? If you want to have a stable or a Leather family you better get out your Blackberry’s day timer because the logistics of a poly are much more intense than what you might be used to. In the following chapter we will explore the strengths and challenges of being polyamorous.
Five Key Points for Taking Roles Further:
M/s is about enhancing your lives together.
A Master or Mistress is always in control of themselves.
A slave’s behavior is a direct reflection of the influence a Master or Mistress has on him.
There are levels of protocol that will help frame your learning experiences.
Owning or being owned requires transparent communication between everyone involved.
Chapter Four
* * *
BDSM Play and Polyamorous Relationships
Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.
—Ice T
So you want to explore being polyamorous? Maybe you think you might already be polyamorous, but you’re not sure how it works? What is the difference between having relationships with many people, as opposed to just playing and having sex with many people with no emotional attachment? This chapter looks at the subtle and not-so-subtle nuances of having more than one partner for play or relationships.
What are the benefits and challenges of being involved in a polyamorous relationship? Relationships with others are what bring us the most joy in life and also the most hardship. Life is fluid and dynamic, and we are constantly having new experiences that will color our future. When I think about arguments I have had with my partners and the challenges we have faced over the years, I realize that it is difficult enough managing one relationship; when you add one extra or a few more people, it can be a challenge that not everyone can cope with and few people on the outside can understand. However, the joys that can be experienced by sharing your love with more than one person can take you in directions that are incredibly rewarding and enriching. Like all relationships, it only works if communication is transparent and open. This idea is at the heart of being polyamorous: open and transparent communication. Some people mistake polyamory merely for being “slutty.” It doesn’t mean that. If you want to go out a
nd “slut it up” without any emotional attachment, then go directly to the portion of this chapter on open relationships and swinging. Being slutty is fun and you can explore all sorts of sexy adventures, but being poly doesn’t always include that in its list of priorities. Inside the relationship, you can be slutty with those you love but not open to casual sexual encounters with people outside of your dynamic. Your sexual habits have to be secondary to being involved emotionally with more than one person, or else those close to you are going to get hurt.
Facing Page: When it comes to submissives, two heads are always better than one.
A piece of string and a row of clothespins make for a great titty play toy called a zipper.
Try flogging with your other hand to build up your dexterity.
Open or Closed?
Polyamorous doesn’t always mean “open” and give you license to run around and have as many sexual partners as you like without taking into account the emotions and feelings of those you are involved with. Polyamory is about connecting with one or more partners, each in his or her own individual way, on emotional as well as physical levels. It is a complex and interesting dynamic that can work wonderfully for the right people. It has enjoyed resurgence in popularity among the BDSM crowd because it allows for flexibility and variable interests. In chapter 2 we discussed the possibility of your primary partner not being comfortable exploring or participating in a new activity with you. If you are both open-minded enough, you can arrange for someone who is comfortable with this new direction to possibly join your romantic lives. It can enhance your dynamic and bring a lot to the table that can be beneficial to everyone, if this new arrangement is handled well. I have experienced various polyamorous relationships over the years and have enjoyed the benefits and also the challenges that those relationships have revealed.
Each flogger will have different leather that will cause different sensations. This is deerskin and delivers a soft thud.
Handwriting a note telling your lover what you want to do to her and slipping it in her coat pocket is a great way to whet her sexual appetite.
One relationship I was in involved three others: my primary girlfriend/play partner, my submissive and my submissive’s girlfriend. My girlfriend/play partner (who was a switch) and I welcomed a new person into our relationship who was a heavy masochist and a service-oriented submissive. The submissive also had a vanilla relationship with her girlfriend, who wasn’t interested in kink or BDSM. While I wasn’t intimately involved with the submissive’s girlfriend on a sexual level, I was involved with her on a mental and emotional level because I had to consider her feelings while being involved with her girlfriend, as my girlfriend and I developed our relationship with the masochist. If you have two or more people in a relationship dynamic, and even if you are not involved with them directly, you still have a responsibility to that person’s partner to treat their relationship with respect and dignity. I knew that if my primary and I were going to do something intense to my submissive that might put her in a very vulnerable position, either mentally or physically, we had to ensure that we wouldn’t be downloading that luggage onto her girlfriend when she returned home. With greater play comes greater responsibility, and the last thing I would want is for someone else to have to clean up after an emotionally charged situation that I am responsible for. So in this situation, our downtime was important after playing, the time we devoted to cooling down after an intense scene and talking about things, rather than just asking the submissive to leave as soon as we were “finished” with her.
Facing Page: Subs always look most delicious when they’re on their knees.
A simple riding crop with some different ends can be enough fun for a whole day.
One thing I discovered when I first began my journey many years ago was that polyamory differs greatly depending on the people involved and how they want to define the relationship. It is important to identify what poly means for you and for others you become involved with so you will be able to navigate multiple partners—and juggle all of their schedules on your iPhone. The basic definition of polyamory is what tends to be the popular view: romantic love involving more than a couple. It can incorporate just one extra person or multiple additional partners, in an arrangement where everyone is on the same page and they all value communication, integrity and honesty. As simple as this definition sounds, it can become incredibly complex. If you are new to the kink world or just figuring out poly for yourself and your partners, start simply and build from there. The Mona Lisa wasn’t painted in a day; DaVinci worked on the painting off and on throughout his life and likely saw it as something that evolved, rather than a task to be completed. Just like DaVinci creating his Mona Lisa, it takes time and care to for us to build and trust to keep a polyamorous relationship strong as it evolves.
1 Tweezer nipple clamps are fun and easy to put on. First open up the tweezers by sliding the ring down the shaft and opening up the end. 2 Once you have the clamp around the nipple start sliding the ring up the shaft. 3 The bells are a nice touch and will jingle as you spank, paddle and otherwise torment your slave!
Open polyamory typically involves long-term couples who are open to inviting other new people to join and share in their relationship and polyfidelity tends to be closed–a relationship say between say three or four people that is not “open” to others. If you are new to polyamory, you may be surprised about the reality versus the myth that poly implies an orgy every night with multiple partners. Actually, poly concentrates on loving, emotionally and sexually centered relationships that are based on communication, integrity and honesty. As with most relationships, sex forms a loving part of it, but intimacy is the true goal of the polyamorous. Poly is not the same as swinging; we will look at the benefits and challenges of sexually open but emotionally closed relationships such as swinging later in this chapter. For most people, polyamory takes a whole lot of commitment if it’s going to work long term. It requires a commitment to honesty, sexual safety, facing one’s own insecurities and making difficult sacrifices when necessary. It requires standing up for yourself when it’s called for, and a willingness to be with a partner through some very strong emotions. It is this activating of and moving through strong emotions that will help galvanize your relationships so that they can complement, not complicate, the lives of all involved.
Pervertible tit clamps can be found at anyone's workbench.
Going to dinner with your unassuming vanilla friends with your butt plug in will remind you of the specialness of your kinky relationship.
Polyamory requires a great commitment to keeping an open dialog between all players. If you are going to ask someone to love and commit to you and another person, this requires being actively engaged with others’ feelings, emotions and insecurities as well as your own. We are all human and jealousy will likely rear its head until you learn how to tame that beast and make it work for you, not against you. I have found that my polyamorous relationships have brought about a deeper level of honesty, self-understanding and sensitivity to my partners’ feelings and desires and have resulted in a deeper intimacy than I have experienced in more traditional relationships. Others may find that involvement with more than one person takes away from the special bond or intimacy they feel being with just one. Polyamory can be a very intimate way of relating and loving, but it’s certainly not the right choice for everyone. Many people wonder if there is “cheating” in poly, and there has been a lot of material published on this very subject. In my experience cheating involves deception and lying. The goal of polyamory is to encourage communication, and the openness of sharing in an emotionally loving relationship. Cheating is violating your partner’s or partners’ trust, whether in a poly or monogamous relationship, and that is something I do not condone.
Emphasizing masculine and feminine traits can heighten any mood regardless of your gender.
Being New
Perhaps you have thought about polyamory and you feel you have the right
level of understanding, along with a deep commitment with someone you love, and you both are ready to take the next step and begin exploring with others. Love is all about giving. It always has been. You don’t get involved with someone emotionally because you want to “get” something, you become involved because you adore that person and want to support him and help bring a light to his life. Let me say that again: Love is about giving. Let me reassure you that when you first start on this path, you will be nervous. Moving from monogamy to non-monogamy or poly is a step that isn’t intuitive for most of us raised in the Western tradition where serial monogamy is the norm or standard. Use nervousness to your advantage to set the pace. Going slow is a very good way to start, and by not rushing things, you can take the time to explore at a pace that is suitable instead of jumping in feet first with your eyes closed. Take the time to work out the details and boundaries of including new people in your relationships. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you want and how you will react to what your partner wants. Glossing over important details or boundaries will jeopardize any chance poly has of working. You have to be considerate of your main partner’s feelings and emotions. It isn’t just about you. Multiple people require multiple considerations. People new to polyamorous relationships have to work through societal conditioning that bases its structure (in the Western world anyway) on dichotomy–the pairing of two people, sometimes monogamous, sometimes not, and the “standard” model we have of that isn’t always very successful. This is where I feel poly has a really strong chance of succeeding when other models of non-monogamy don’t.