How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Page 5
Facing Page: A good slave knows her place.
Vacuum beds are perfect for teasing and tantalizing your play partners.
1 Pick a pillowcase that will fit your submissive. It should be about shoulder width. 2 Have them fold their arms behind them… 3 and slip it up to their shoulders. If you seat the arms right at the bottom of the case they won’t be able to get out.
If you are going to play with medical staples, DON’T forget to buy the staple remover at the same time….
There are a lot of M/s and D/s conferences that you can attend across the world that will help give you ideas and tips on how to structure your M/s relationship. Each one has its own flavor and focus. Some are structured primarily as Mistress or Master/slave retreats, others are set up to promote the Leather lifestyle, and still others cater to the pansexual community. If you attend them you will find some of the same presenters and teachers at various venues. Usually their classes will be different as they cater to the focus of the event. For example, at one event I might present a workshop on “Dynamic Problem Solving with Rope,” and at another “How to Kinkify Your Partner: Advice for Newbies.” Presenters want to maximize their exposure and their knowledge base so they have to be able to present on a variety of different topics, provided they are qualified to do so. Pick their brains after a class that you enjoyed—ask them what activities work best for them when you go to M/s conferences. How do they make it work and what activities do they use to do so? What type of structure do they employ and how do they keep that spark alive in a relationship where the power dynamic is so heavily loaded on one person?
Having the chance to speak with like minded-people who are in M/s relationships or are considering it is a very valuable way to get feedback and figure out what is working for them and how you might best decide for yourselves if a full-time M/s dynamic is for both of you. Ultimately, you are the ones that have to make that decision. Ask yourself questions such as, “Is my partner not only trustworthy but does he take my feelings and needs into account as I am entering into a slavery agreement with him?” or “As a slave, what opportunities do I have to voice my opinion in a respectful way that will ensure I am heard?” or “What will our relationship look like and how will it operate in private and in public?” M/s is about enhancing your lives, not about the sole domination of one individual over the other where your concerns or needs are stamped on with her size 7 stilettos. After you have asked yourself the pertinent questions and you feel you are ready for a M/s relationship, let me show you how to negotiate introducing it.
Facing Page: Be a good girl and stay where your mistress puts you.
The good thing about latex outfits is you can layer upon it. Here is a catsuit with a corset on top.
Strong women are sexy!
Negotiating with the Three Cs
Clarity, Communication and Consistency: in this type of relationship, just as in a vanilla relationship, communication is a two-way street. It requires active listening and Communicating to ensure Clarity. Consistency isn’t something that lies solely with the Dominant or just on the slave’s shoulders. Owning another person is a great responsibility and it requires both parties to be clear about what they are looking for and how they hope to achieve those goals. It requires understanding the actions of your partner but also understanding the motivations behind her needs and desires. It is easy to just live in a fantasy world for the weekend, a long weekend or maybe even a week or a month, letting all of your fantasies come true with your very own dirty little sex puppet. These times are great and I do encourage you to treat each other like dirty little sex puppets; get sticky, worn out, bruised and exhausted! Yet there is going to come a time when you have to return to reality, and you will need to develop some skills so you can evolve past the obvious sexualized relationship into something that has a broader scope as a lifestyle relationship. Consistency in behaviors and expectations will assist in this transition.
If a scene goes sideways, don’t panic.
My own experience at owning slaves started as a long-distance relationship. We both found it was easy to shack up for a week-long sexual adventure at a cabin in the woods. Chaining her to the fieldstone fireplace and doing whatever I wanted with a whole bag full of toys was hot and delicious. But as we became more involved, particularly with some very strong emotions, I found that consistency was the strongest foundation in facilitating the M/s portion of the relationship, even from a distance. There should be real life rewards and real life punishments. A Master or Mistress should be able to command from a distance but the ultimate goal would be to both be closer and immerse yourselves into a 27/4 relationship where the distance isn’t an issue. We found that for us, back in our salad days, the fantasy of long term M/s could run into some real life challenges. How are you going to deal with a slave that is in another city who doesn’t write the prescribed passages in her slave journal? What if the slave is reluctant to accept punishment that you have explained carefully and is required? How do you cope with real life intrusions into someone’s service to you? It was hard at first for me but since I have been through it and hit many speed bumps along the way in my learning process, I am going to show you what I think is the best way to make it work out for everyone.
It is always easier to deal with a fantasy than real life. Real life is tough. Real life involves bills, the dog that needs to go out, a partner that might be away on business trips, children’s needs, et cetera. It is hard enough in this day and age to schedule private sexy time with each other, with all of the demands that are made on us, and when we DO get that time, we want to spend it in heavy playtime. But reality does come knocking and we CAN negotiate it by incorporating M/s into our lives. Understanding your partner’s motivation for his interests and the role you play in facilitating those interests and fantasies, and establishing clear expectations of what you both need to do to keep the dynamic strong will reassure your slave when you are away and will give him comfort and reassurance that he is consistently serving you even if you aren’t physically present.
Let’s take a closer look at how these roles can help enhance your life, and what you should and shouldn’t do while conducting yourself in the everyday world. If you are a Dominant or Master, keep in mind that you may have a dominant personality but you are “a Dominant” to just your partner. If you treat other people in the general public in the same manner you might treat your slave, it will come off as pushy and rude and you will be taken for a jerk. You might be the alpha male in the pack or you might be the Queen Bitch of Lower Germania but the lady at the grocery store doesn’t need to hear how special you are when you order her to “Double bag it now!” at the end of her long shift. Conducting yourself with grace and dignity never goes out of style and if you feel that M/s is for you, then you should use the best parts of that structure to not only enhance your life but others’ as well. A Mistress can conduct herself with a smile on her face in the public eye; can be confident, considerate and warm to those she meets on a daily basis while still maintaining her role. A Mistress or Master is there to enhance others’ lives by providing a certain amount of structure for themselves, which in turn can assist those in need. It can be something as simple as being a good and compassionate person who helps others in times of distress. You aren’t less of a Master for holding open a door for an elderly lady leaving the grocery store; you aren’t less of a Mistress for offering to help a new mother with some laundry and tidying her house; you aren’t less of a Master or Mistress for offering to stand in to run a munch for someone while he is away on vacation. Rather, you should strive to be a composed, compassionate person who can make a difference by showing respect and compassion to others. If you are a slave in search of a Master of worth, how would you feel if you saw Him helping a single mother change her flat tire? What would you think if your Mistress stopped to give directions to lost tourists in your town? Would you think less of them because they care or would you feel that your slavery is in the hands of a good,
competent and responsible person? Would the aura that shines around them shine a little brighter that day for you?
A D/s or M/s relationship is based on trust and caring.
1 Get a pair of willing thumbs. 2 Fasten the cuffs around the thumbs until firm, but not too tight. 3 Click them into place. 4 Make sure you monitor their circulation; thumb cuffs can be particularly nasty for this. 5 Enjoy them all captured but don't yank them by the cuffs.
Play should be fun but safety should be serious.
Of course it would.
We all want someone who is respectful, compassionate and inviting to enhance our lives. An M/s relationship is no different; it’s just that the boundaries and expectations are more strongly defined between the two people. Let’s look at some issues that you need to be aware of, patterns that I have seen time and time again in the evolution from a D/s to a M/s relationship, so that you can recognize them when they start to rear their heads in your relationship and learn how to successfully navigate through them.
The crank neck vibrator is great for hitting the G-spot and learning how to squirt.
Use condoms on insertable toys for easier and faster cleanup.
Slavery: Starting Slow and Keeping the Excitement
Let’s assume you are ensconced in a new M/s or D/s relationship. It is natural for you to be excited. You want to share with your friends and colleagues: “Look I have a new Master and we are so happy together, everything is perfect!” One of the great joys in BDSM comes when you find someone to complement your kinky life. But after six months the initial excitement starts to wear off and reality starts showing through the seams in the curtain. Next thing you realize, neither of you is as focused as you were in the beginning. You may be frustrated if the relationship isn’t meeting your initial expectations. Ultimately we are human and this is a pattern of typical human relationships regardless of the power dynamic. When you are new to each other and the dynamic is still fluid and exiting, you are both ready to explore deeply and want everything to be perfect. So how do you build and maintain the excitement without having your expectations crash down around you a year into the relationship? I believe that when two people enter into a M/s dynamic, they should start off slow and establish clear expectations. You may want to be chained to her desk all day long with her initials branded into your butt, but let’s take some time to get there, okay? You CAN get there, but a slave and a Mistress both need to be aware of not going too far too fast, regardless of how hot it is at the time. It is easier to explore slowly and dial it back than to move too fast and wind up with a mess on your hands (literally as well as metaphorically). Ever try to catch a basket full of apples that are falling through your hands? You grab one or two but the rest wind up a big mess on the floor. We don’t want the slave’s or Master’s emotional landscape to look like a finger painting done by Jackson Pollock in his kindergarten class, so lets just ease into things and if you run into speed bumps along the way, it will be easier to deal with them one at a time, rather than encountering a multitude of problems all at once.
Routine and frequent assessment is a great place to start. It also provides a foundation upon which you can build further down the road when you want to introduce new aspects or activities. A simple assessment requirement could be as easy as “I will be looking at your slave journal every fourth time we get together to see if you have completed the homework I have assigned to you.” Or “I expect you to shave your pubic hair regularly and will be checking each day/once a week.” Assessing your “property” or partner requires diligence and the responsibility to back up your requirements with actual consequences to reinforce behavior. Good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior is simply not tolerated and should be swiftly corrected.
Casual play partners are entitled to respect.
A note on slave journals: having your slave keep a journal provides him with a space for reflection and examination of his feelings and actions and reactions. This can provide a lot of feedback for the Mistress and the slave should be working toward transparency in the journal just as a solid M/s relationship is built upon transparency. It takes time to get there and sometimes slaves will be unsure if they should record the way they really feel about their experiences with their M/s relationship and let me reassure you that positive or negative feedback is essential for that relationship to evolve and grow. If I have a slave keep a journal, I desire the unedited view of her emotions and feelings. I can see what is working, what isn’t, and what might be sharpened and polished to a keen edge. What I don’t use a journal for is as an excuse for punishment. I would never go through it and pick out something to punish a slave for having written, unless it was an assignment that was not completed. Never punish a slave for his feelings, work with his emotions so that you both can have a clearer sense of the relationship. Journaling has worked so well for me that I recommend to every slave I meet that he or she should be keeping one for their Master. Sometimes slaves who cannot articulate their concerns well, do very well with listing them logically in a journal when they have time to reflect in their downtime, without the pressure of their Masters standing over them demanding that their latest homework assignment be completed in a half hour.
When Roles Spill Over
Be careful about being so wrapped up in your lifestyle that you are intrusive into the lives of vanilla people, especially in providing explanations for them. Perhaps your new slave makes you so happy that you are bursting with joy and want to tell the world and live it 24/7. This is natural, but still your mother doesn’t need to be introduced to your new slave with an explanation like, “Mom this is my new slave Jeff, please don’t mind that he is eating off the floor tonight for dinner.” Mom doesn’t want to know her that her baby girl is not only into owning another human being but likes to make him eat off the floor as punishment for not performing proper foot worship earlier. Would you ever ask Mom if she takes a load on her face from your father?
Nipples are more resilient than you might think.
Yoga is great for enabling submissives and bottoms to stay flexible for extended bondage scenes.
No, I didn’t think so.
Master and slavery is about intent and the enhancement of life, not about forcing your will or lifestyle upon those who would require a lengthy explanation. Vanilla people are curious and will more than likely ask questions about your lifestyle if you choose to share it with them. Give them open and honest answers, but keep in mind the audience you are addressing. The vanillas probably don’t need to hear the super-juicy details about the size of dildo you have trained your slave to take up his butt while he sleeps on the floor under your bed, but they might be less shocked if you say, “Oh, I have my lover sleep on the floor when he stays over.” Discretion is the better part of being a role model and as our scene and lifestyle continues to grow, we want there to be less friction between the vanillas and ourselves. No one needs to know the most intimate details of your life. What you do consensually in the privacy of your own home is your business and is no one else’s. If the vanillas are asking prying questions that you are not comfortable with answering, deflect them with grace and dignity and a gentle smile on your face.
Most of the Masters and Mistresses and slaves I know that are in successful long-term relationships, don’t appear on the outside to the vanilla world as anything other than “normal” couples, whether or not they live together. A slave doesn’t have to say, “Let me ask my Master if I can work late,” to his boss. Saying, “Let me call my husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife and find out if they have something on for tonight,” gets the point across without non-consensually involving the vanillas. Mainstream society may not understand and making them uncomfortable should not be our goal. Choosing your words carefully can help keep unnecessary questions that you would rather not answer at bay. On the other hand, when you get together with other M/s couples you can revel in the slaves sitting on the floor at the Mistresses’ feet, or serving and fetching, and relax with the playtim
e that can go on around you at a private function, particularly at one of my favorites: the High Protocol Event. It is a lot of fun being around other like-minded adults for an evening in a club; a weekend retreat is a great way to keep things fun and fresh. I like to make sure that if I have someone personally serving me, after the event I provide them with the time and environment to communicate their reflections on the experience either in a journal or by discussion. For some Mistresses or Masters this may go against the 24/7 model of M/s, but I challenge any Master or Mistress out there to tell me that their submissive or slave’s concerns are not taken into consideration in making decisions for the relationship. Any loving and caring BDSM relationship will always have the other person’s best interests at heart. I always want to know what worked for them, what didn’t, how they felt and if their motivations for the weekend altered or strengthened while at an event with me. Owning someone or being owned takes a great deal of trust, patience and dedication to help that other person shine and enhance their life. There was an event I attended in the summer where the goal of the weekend away with other M/s couples was to be a High Protocol weekend. Expectations, boundaries and rules were strict and clear and the slaves were meant to follow them and the Masters and Mistresses were to enforce their adherence to the High Protocol theme. Flowers were cut daily and to exact lengths for the dining room table, the rooms were cleaned and prepped every morning, wood was chopped to exact dimensions, feet were licked, massages were given and it was all with a High Protocol flair. It was a very relaxing weekend for the Master and Mistresses and for the slaves it was a lot of work, but work that they felt satisfied in performing to exacting standards. This weekend worked very well because of the guidelines of Protocol, Etiquette and Manners were laid out beforehand so that all parties knew what the expectations were. In any M/s structure, Protocol, Etiquette and Manners will be beneficial and offer a strong support structure for your M/s relationship.