How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Page 12

  Handcuffs and other metal restraints are wonderful for compliance training because of their very unyielding nature. If someone does struggle, the edges of the cuffs will bite very painfully into the soft, tender part of his wrists. That much said, handcuffs don’t lend themselves very well to the myriad of other positions that we typically play with in the lifestyle. Handcuffed hands above the head, twisting while being spanked or whipped, or even worn during sex will push on the blood vessels and nerves. If you are looking for cuffs, buy high-quality ones that can be double cuffed—meaning they have a locking device built in so that they can’t be tightened by an overzealous “arresting officer” or tighten on their own while roughhousing with them on. And for the love of god, keep a spare key on your key chain with your car keys, just in case. It is easy to lose a little handcuff key while playing, but most of us can remember where we put our car keys.

  Facing Page: A sub and dom should complement each other in all ways.

  Wrist shackles have a touch of the 19th Century about them and are super sexy for this reason.

  The other style of metal cuffs are shackles and irons. Flat and wide, they distribute the force that is exerted across a wider surface area.

  If someone struggles wearing these, they don’t have as much “bite” as handcuffs, but they have another benefit—the weight of the chains. These are more for endurance sessions. Do you have a sassy and spitfire submissive on your hands for a playdate? Bring out the irons and chains and make him haul them around for an hour; it will take the piss and vinegar out of him, which is very convenient for you. Typically irons and chains will either come with a hex key threaded nut to lock them or a standard lock. Choose the style that is best for you, but if you need to get your slave out of them in a hurry, you better know where you put the key.

  Kinky sex should be fun! Take your needs seriously, but remember that it is okay to laugh about mishaps. Look back and talk about things together so you can make things better for next time.

  Also, just to reiterate the biggest all-time safety rule in bondage—never leave someone who is bound, shackled or cuffed alone. We want the chance to play again and again with someone special and building trust gives you both an opportunity for it to grow it deeper and to explore your bondage desires further with each other. As I said earlier in the chapter, play should fun, but safety should be serious. The next chapter will take a more in depth look at practices that will keep everyone safe.

  Five Key Points for Taking Your Bondage Further:

  Set the mood.

  Your bondage sex life can be better than what you see online because it is with someone you care about.

  If you are going to tie them up to fuck ’em, don’t put the rope in the way.

  Metal restraints look delicious but can be painful.

  Latex Vacuum Beds are awesome!

  Chapter Seven

  * * *

  Better safe…

  Safety is something that happens between your ears, not something you hold in your hands.

  —Jeff Cooper

  In How to Be Kinky, we looked at basic safety issues: how to be and stay safe as you introduce kinky fun into your life. The upshot was and still is this: play should be fun, but safety should be serious. This time we’ll go a bit more in depth. Presumably, you picked up this book because you want to know more of the deliciously dirty things that can happen in the bedroom dungeon. You might be beyond the newbie stage and more than ready to introduce heavier activities into your playtime, but with heavier play the risk increases, and so the responsibilities become heavier too. I personally love edge play. I love to walk that razor-thin line, balancing along it as I step lightly while dangling someone beneath me over the abyss. To know my play partner is excited, turned on and a little scared gives my play a charged edge that really brings all of the things I love about kinkier play together into one beautifully wrapped-up package. But I would not walk that line if I felt that I could not be responsible about safety. I wouldn’t go rock climbing without a rope; you wouldn’t go scuba diving without a buddy and you certainly wouldn’t go to a mall on Christmas Eve without a girlfriend to watch your back, even if all the shoes were 75 percent off. Managing the risks of kinkier play successfully will set you apart from the wannabe players and place you among those who are respected in the scene.

  Risk Management

  Nothing is perfectly safe. There is inherent risk in all that we do, and this is especially true in BDSM. Risk management is about identifying, assessing and prioritizing risks in the face of uncertainty followed by steps to reduce or minimize unforeseen circumstances in playtime. There are no failsafe systems, so we have to minimize the risk as best we can. Your partner needs to know the risks that are involved with heavier play whether he or she is receiving or administering it. There has been a lot written over the years about Safe Sane and Consensual and R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), two schools of thought concentrating on safety. While there is ongoing debate about one versus the other, what is important is not that there is one system better than the other, but that we educate ourselves and become aware that the activities we are engaging in come with an inherent risk, some heavier than others. Think of getting kinkier as an extreme sport—more thrilling, more adventurous, but also more risky.

  Facing Page: Yarn is great for microbondage in the pool.

  Playing safe is key so you can really let yourself go and be at the mercy of someone else.

  When lingerie shopping, take your partner into the changing room with you.

  One thing I don’t do is play with anyone who has the mindset of “I am so tough I have never called my safeword!” and takes a lot of pride in that. There is an undercurrent of selfishness in this attitude. As the dominant, you could unknowingly push too far and do damage without this person calling his safeword, and who do you think is going to be on the receiving end of assault charges after that same individual has had a day or two to realize just how bruised or damaged he is? Some people use kink as a way to be hurt to cover up for some unresolved issue in their past, though they may or may not be actively aware of it. We have all seen drama queens (both boys and girls) and we know how much they love to stir up the pot just to get attention. As an experienced player I need to know that the bottom is capable and well adjusted enough to use her safeword if the situation warrants it. Though it may not seem like it at time, both partners are vulnerable in any heavier scene; a Top’s safety shouldn’t be put in jeopardy because of someone’s ego. Questions I always ask myself before I play with new partners include:

  Kinkier play is more risky—which is half the fun!

  Do they have a positive outlook on life and are they fun to be around?

  Do they treat their body with respect or do they abuse drugs and alcohol?

  Is their life filled with drama or are they compassionate toward others?

  Are they patient or do they want everything right now?

  Wearing stockings and heels without panties will always get your partner’s attention.

  Conversely, the submissive needs to check in with any potential dominants about their style of play and if they are going to ask them to go farther than they are comfortable with. Every scene should give you a chance to push your boundaries, a chance to grow and learn new and interesting aspects of yourself, but you should never be forced into your “no-go zone” by yourself or anyone else. Safewords are there for a reason—never let your ego get in the way of using them. If you use yours no one will think less of you—either as the Top or the bottom. Others will respect you for knowing your boundaries and wanting to explore within them. Growing up in a family that raised horses, I remember how my dad used to say, “There are acres in the field for the horses to run; only the dumb ones keep running into the fence.” Running into the fence inadvertently is to be expected occasionally, but to keep throwing yourself against it in hopes of a different outcome is pretty lame. A perfect example of this in the scene is an occasion on which I watch
ed a friend of mine continue to beat his submissive with his belt in the playroom, event after event, even though “the belt” had a negative association with her past growing up. She would always accept it begrudgingly but then for the rest of the event she would be distant, removed and not particularly social or talkative. And he could never figure out why she wasn’t as chatty and social after the scene as when they first arrived, regardless of her trying to communicate with him that the belt wasn’t for her.

  1 Open the wrapper and pull it out into your mouth. 2 Make sure the end is the right way out and is in the tip of your mouth. 3 Gently pull it into your mouth and hold the ring with your lips. 4 Get a good hold of that shaft and push the end onto the head.

  5 Begin to roll the condom one with your lips, pushing firmly but gently so you don’t rip it. 6 As you push down the shaft, keep rolling it on with your lips… 7 all the way to the base, then use your fingers to make it nice and neat. 8 Ready to rock!

  Some toys have negative connotations for partners. Make sure you know what your playmate is comfortable with and what they aren’t.

  Facing Page: When you find the perfect partner the possibilities are endless!

  People’s pain tolerances can be very different—and it can be very sexy to push those limits, but go slowly.

  Rope bondage will leave some beautiful marks on the body.

  Choosing your play partner is an active pursuit, not something that should be reactive, and you shouldn’t just play with whoever wanders into your life. How someone acts in his or her regular life is a pretty clear indication of his behavior when playtime comes around. Quality over quantity of experiences will really help you in building your kinky life, and keep you safe as you explore and advance. Being aware that kinkier sex comes with bigger risks should keep you researching, taking classes and workshops and learning how to manage that risk.

  Managing Your Risk: Questions to Ask Yourself Ahead of Playtime

  Is this activity for me or for someone else?

  Is it within my physical/mental and emotional comfort zone?

  If it is just outside that comfort zone, how comfortable am I in exploring it with my partner?

  Can I do this and still be safe?

  Will my safewords be respected?

  Is there aftercare involved if I need it?

  Is that piece of equipment safe/sturdy/able to support me properly? Be dynamic and responsive to change as you evolve and grow. You are responsible for your safety in choosing a partner and your activities. Choose your path with an active sense of responsibility since you are the one to ultimately live with your choices.

  Blindfold and then strip your partner when you get home, pose her on all fours in the living room and tell her to stay still and wait until you are ready.

  If a Scene Goes Sideways

  Stay calm and stop the activity you are doing.

  Talk to your partner in a reassuring tone.

  Fix the problem.

  Sometimes we can step on a trigger in our partners without knowing it. Work on your communication so they feel they have a voice in what is happening and when.

  Kinky sex can be therapeutic, but it is not therapy.

  Pain in the Ass

  Pain is normal for the body; it is a response that tells our brain something is wrong. It is a perfect defense system to tell us, “Hey, knock it off!” when there is something trying to harm us. However, one of the fun things we do in kinky sex is to explore just where our fine line is in regard to how much pain we can take. We push our boundaries, nudge them farther, and sweat through the tough parts to get to that flush of endorphins. Figuring out where that line is can be a revealing experience, but I want to help you figure out how to make that personal growth happen safely. Pain is subjective and no pain should be taken lightly. Some people have a very high tolerance for pain but for others, the threshold is much lower. Interestingly, research has indicated that women seem to be much more tolerant of pain and seem to achieve an endorphin high easier than men, possibly because of the connection to being able to withstand childbirth. However, that doesn’t mean you can go to town on your female play partner with no warm-up or go as hard as you can. You have to be an excellent judge of what your partner can take and when. How much is too much for you, and how much is just enough is something you will understand with experience and time. Environment and context also have to do with how well a person is prepared to receive pain. When you are hot and sweaty and super turned on and every nerve in your body is alight, you can take much more intense sensations than when you are not turned on. It is important for your partner to understand that you need to be warmed up and not just jump from zero to sixty in the span of a few minutes. The top wants to get as much out of the scene as the masochist does, and timing, environment and warming up the body all play a huge role in creating a fun scene and achieving that fabled experience called “subspace”—that moment where the bottom gets a flush of endorphins through his or her body.

  Facing Page: This sexy ass might need a bit of a rest after this session!

  Spanking on the fleshy parts of the body such as the ass won’t leave serious bruises.

  When it comes to kinky sex, have you ever been so excited that you were dripping with anticipation or had a scene so hot you felt you were floating? That is very likely due to endorphins flooding your system. Conversely, did you ever have really bad aftercare that didn’t feel right? That could be from the lack of endorphins. Your body relies on its sugar supply to create endorphins and we need that sugar supply replaced after playing, otherwise it can lead to feelings of letdown, lethargy, headaches, shakes or a temperature drop.

  Before a scene I will ask a submissive or slave what they have eaten and when, and if they have not taken in enough sugar and nutrients, I will have them do so, and give it time to settle before we play, I will also refuel that sugar supply in a timely but not too quick manner after playing. This is no guarantee that you will reach subspace but it increases your chances of producing endorphins that can take you there.

  —Boss Bondage, BDSM educator, body piercer and sadist

  Let your partner push you onto the ground and stand over you while you masturbate for him/her.

  The Bruise Brothers

  We consensually hit each other in kinky sex, and chances are one of you is going to end up with a few lovely bruises. It is one of those fun things we do that serve as reminders for a few days after of what a great time we had!

  But what causes a bruise and what can you do to make it fade faster if you have a job interview a few days after a play session, and you don’t want anyone to see those marks on your leg or arms? What causes bruising is contusion: the area struck has turned a different color and is a little raised and sore. Bruising is the second most common injury in sports after strains. While not considered serious, bruises are going to be sore and discolor the skin for a week or so. When something strikes your skin, the soft tissue under your skin is crushed but the skin isn’t broken; when this tissue is crushed, blood leaks out from ruptured capillaries and pools under the skin. This is what causes that red or brown or purple mark and makes it “ouchy” to press on. There are three different categories of bruises:

  First degree: minor rupture, a little color, soreness and maybe a bit of stiffness.

  Second degree: moderate rupture—increased bleeding under the skin, more purple discoloration and increased swelling. There is also pain and a moderate loss of movement at the site.

  Third degree: severe rupture—major bleeding of the capillaries and massive swelling; extreme pain or instability around the site.

  Kinky sex can burn 380 calories in an hour. Conversely, cum only has about 5 calories if you swallow.

  The first two degrees a person can have a much easier recovery from. Within a week or so, the body should be pretty much back to normal. With the third degree we are dealing with some severe injuries and I don’t recommend that anybody indulge in play that will cause severe injury. As I oft
en say, we don’t want to break the people we play with; that way we can play again and again and again. Let’s wear our bruises like trophies from a stellar weekend of kinky sex, but not end up in the hospital. It is also important to recognize that everyone bruises differently. This is dependent on age, health and elasticity of the skin. Some people may not bruise much as a result of an over-the-knee spanking, while others will from the exact same sensations. As we age our blood vessels become more fragile, and typically age is a large factor in the speed of healing time, though not always. Degree and duration of bruising largely have to do with a person’s overall health. It is imperative to know how someone’s body is going to react to your “administrations,” when you play, so that you don’t make them look like they fell off a cliff in the Amazonian rainforest, hit a waterfall on the way down, ricocheted off an alligator or two and washed up on the shore at your feet. For instance, I have found that caning can produce as wide a spectrum of bruising as the variety of people receiving it. From the exact same force I exert with a cane across say, three or four bottoms, I will get just as many different lasting marks. Some will bruise minimally, while others will have an ass as purple as Barney the dinosaur (now there is someone who needs a fucking ball gag and a caning).

  But what happens if you need to minimize bruising after a play session and how do you speed up the healing time? If you know that a speedier healing timeline is needed after a hard play session, you only have to look to a typical first aid course for what to do: R.I.C.E. Rest the bum or body and keep it still, put some Ice on it to reduce the swelling, wrap it to give it some Compression and Elevate the limb. (Mm, ass up and face down!) You can build all of this into an extended aftercare scene. Once you take your slave down from the stocks where he has endured a delicious whipping for you, bundle him up and lay him in a nice quiet spot. Get him to sit his bum on some ice packs (this is its own form of torture) or some frozen peas. Peas aren’t normally sexy, but I’m sure you can figure out a way to include them in your scene. When putting the ice on the sore spot, make sure you put a barrier between the bottom’s flesh and the ice—a damp cloth or the plastic bag that the peas come in. The last thing you want to do is give him frostbite and damage the skin even more. Let the bottom use his or her best judgment as to how long the ice should stay on the area. Ten to twenty minutes is a good guideline, putting it on and taking it off. If the affected area is a limb or thigh, you can compress it with Veterinarian wrap, a cheap elastic bandage type of wrap that sticks to itself, available in all kinds of pretty colors. Every toy bag should have some. The compression will reduce the swelling and bleeding under the skin.