How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Read online

  Can there be anything more gorgeously helpless than a sub in a gimp mask and leg spreader bars?

  The more perverted the mind, the better the toys!

  Gag him with your panties. Bonus if he can taste you.

  So what did he do? He investigated his jealousy and took a hard look at the feelings he was having, investigating his own boundaries, and he mastered them. They talked together about the kind of reaction he was having to this seemingly innocent activity. She was surprised and shocked and very sympathetic and he communicated what ice-skating with her meant to him. They clarified their feelings and decided that since that activity meant so much to him and connected him to her so deeply, emotionally, they would either do it just with each other or when the other was present, one of them might bring along another partner so that everyone could enjoy it together as a group.

  Here’s a personal example from a little closer to the dungeon floor: I was at a Kink Conference and was having my boots polished and tended to by the local bootblack. Afterwards this hunky bear asked if he could give my boots a good licking and I love boot licking so I ordered him to his knees and let him go to town. Little did I know that the new primary relationship I was nurturing was with a woman who loved to lick my boots but had never communicated to me how deeply intimate it was for her. When she found out I had been “slutting my boots around,” she was very upset because it meant so much to her on an intimate level. I listened to her, took what she had to say to heart and made her feel that she had really been heard and that in order to safeguard against this reaction happening again, we both needed to work on more open communication so we would know what was expected from us. These models of how to successfully deal with feelings that arise don’t always have sex at the root: here, the issue was intimacy.

  Jealousy isn’t something to fear as an emotion, it is something to master if you are going to be in a poly relationship. It is a strong emotion and you have to take a hard look at yourself and your own needs and expectations and communicate those with your partners, who should support you as you work through those feelings. What I love about my poly friends is the way they openly discuss feelings that may stay buried in other more conventional relationships. They seek out those feelings that are causing distress and they talk about them and work through them together. Your polyamorous relationships should be there to support and nurture you on your journey through life, not detract from your experience. Poly people see jealousy as a warning sign that there is some uncovered issue that isn’t resolved. They want to uncover those issues, talk about them, examine the root of the feeling and attempt to overcome it. What winds up happening is that the more jealousy arises in a poly relationship and is dealt with successfully, the easier it becomes to work through.

  Some daily rituals can be applied in vanilla settings to keep the mindset going.

  This is all well and good and a little hippy dippy with the feelings, but what are some concrete steps you can take if there is some distress occurring in the relationship? What do you do if you are the cause of someone else’s distress? How will you validate your partner’s feelings and smooth things out if you are indeed the one at fault? Conflict is going to happen more often than not, and we deal with it as adults, not by throwing a hissy fit. What follows are some constructive ideas on how to deal with missteps and hurt feelings so that the other person can feel heard and reassured that you are apologizing for the right thing instead of just using a blanket apology without investigating whether or not you are at the root of the problem. The worst thing you can do is apologize for something that you are not to blame for. There are three simple rules to frame your reaction and help you on the way to mending things if you are the cause:

  Identify the root of the problem and figure out who is at fault.

  Validate the other person’s feelings.

  Apologize and mean it and then make sure it doesn’t happen again.

  Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Amazingly, some people act like babies whenever confronted with criticism, or when they encounter friction in their love lives, but being involved in polyamorous relationships requires that you pay careful attention to other partners’ feelings. If you care about each other you will work through the bumps that will arise as you all evolve in your relationships. Above all else, ask them what they need. You don’t have to try to guess; communication is a two-way street. If the other person is misguided in his blame, figure out together what is the real issue and if you are to blame, take responsibility for it. If not, encourage the other person to take a hard look at her reactions and where they might be coming from. Taking the time to discuss the problem itself without initially laying blame is an important first step and a mature act; it means that you are actively communicating. If, after you discuss the problem, you conclude that you are not to blame, don’t apologize and certainly don’t apologize for someone else’s feelings. You can only own your own actions and emotions. Being responsible enough to fix the problem you caused is going to reveal and strengthen your character, not detract from it. If the problem is your fault, treat it as a learning opportunity so that you don’t repeat the same mistake twice; once is a mistake, twice is just stupid. Compassion and kindness go a long way in any relationship, not just poly and open ones.

  Facing Page: The more dramatic your dress up, the hotter your scene.

  Carry multiple handcuff keys—even on your car key ring.

  Safe Sex Is Sexy

  What are the risks you are willing to take? Do you play only with condoms and dental dams? Do you use birth control? Do you know your partner intimately and understand who they will be with and what that person’s sexual life involves? Safer sex is very sexy to others and if you are known for playing safe, you will find potential partners more attracted to you. My number one rule of safety at all times is Know Your Partners. There should never be a situation where someone says, “Oh, I don’t what his health status is; I never bothered to ask.” If you are going to be with multiple partners then I suggest the buddy system. Just like when you were in swim class as a child–you looked out for your buddy and he looked out for you. In poly and open relationships, you will have multiple buddies, not just one. Check in with them, find out what is going on and get tested on a regular basis. Having regular open communication about who you are seeing and when and what activities might be involved or what you did last weekend will make any conversation that involves a heavier subject easier to talk about if at some point your sexual health is compromised. You have other partners and their sexual health to think about, not just your own. Don’t be selfish; be open and discuss these issues before you play. If your reputation is one of being a safe partner who takes time and care regarding safe sex then your attractiveness in the community will go upward. If you have a terrible reputation for being selfish and self-centered with your emotional and physical safety, you aren’t going to find many people willing to be with you. I always find it interesting that vanilla people don’t tend to be subject to this type of social circle warning system. It’s one of the checks and balances that help our communities police themselves.

  Be creative with your microbondage and yarn. The pool is a great place to practice since they can't hurt themselves if they fall over.

  Questions I ask myself before I get involved with new play partners: Do they practice safe sex? What are their other partners’ practices like? How comfortable are they with discussing health issues with their physician? How often do they have STI testing and can they show me the results when I show them mine? What are their limits with kinky play, e.g., whipping, bondage, blood play, et cetera, and how do they dovetail with my own interests or limits? In a casual play setting do they need aftercare, and can I provide it or not?

  In the right hands, a simple paddle is one of the best toys there is.

  A vibrating toothbrush is the perfect traveling companion. Plus it is waterproof!

  Your sexual health is important and you should cherish it, not subject it to unn
ecessary risks. Kinkier play and situations are fun and awesome, but you need to make positive, healthy sexual choices and only you can be responsible for that.

  By choosing an open or closed poly or an open relationship, you are opening yourself up to more than one partner on emotional, mental and physical levels. Discussing what is intimate and meaningful to you and your partners and establishing clear boundaries will help you all to nurture your relationships and have fun exploring others and welcoming them. Your sexual health and safety is important; there is nothing more expensive than regret. In chapter 7 we will look in more detail at ways we can play safely with others.

  Five Key Points for Poly and Open Relationships:

  Communicate, communicate, communicate

  It is okay to feel jealous at times; use the emotion for personal growth so you can master it

  When making an apology, make it sincere

  Poly doesn’t always mean open, and open doesn’t always mean poly

  Poly can work very well in a BDSM hierarchy with a specific structure

  Chapter Five

  * * *

  Advanced Sex Toys and How to Use Them

  There are toys for all ages.

  — French Proverb

  One of the reasons I love kinky sex so much is all the fun and creative toys it comes with! As mentioned earlier, I keep my toys in my grandmother’s old hope chest, and even now it is overflowing. Granny would be spinning in her grave if she knew what I was using it for, but I can’t help it—it is a beautiful cedar-lined walnut chest from the 1930s, and I have a lot of toys. If you are new to collecting toys, let me describe the pattern of your near future: it all starts with putting a few toys in a drawer in the bedside stand, then, as you add a paddle or two, a dildo here, a butt plug there, some cuffs and rope—the toy collection grows to two drawers, then the whole nightstand, and the next thing you know you are pushing your shoe collection over to the side in the closet to make room for your handmade floggers and cane collection. Toy collections grow and grow; believe me, this is going to happen to you; it cannot be helped. Extra bonus points if you can hide the collection successfully where there are children in the house. If you think their snooping for Christmas presents is bad, imagine yourself trying to explain the strap-on harness with the ten-inch black silicone cock that “daddy likes when he’s feeling pretty” that they found because you didn’t lock your toy box.

  Facing Page: When you zap them, they will want to jump around. Make sure you have a hold of them.

  For a sensual connection during a scene try to maintain three points of contact and match your partner’s breath on the inhale and exhale.

  There is such a myriad of toys, both store-bought and handmade: you can plug, hit, mark, scratch, tickle or torture someone with thousands of items—some made cheaply, some pervertible ones (household items adapted from their conventional use), and still others crafted by skillful artisans. This chapter focuses on some of my favorite “kinkier” toys, how to apply them in new and creative ways, and how best to travel with them. First, let’s talk about quality, and why supporting your local and national artisans is important. In How to Be Kinky, I wrote about the need for us to support those people who handcraft their kinky wares out of the love they have for kinky play, rather than buy cheap toys that are mass produced, and the value of our getting to know the Murphy whip makers of today who will be held in the highest regard for their craft down the road. There are lots of kinky craft fairs nowadays around North America (Google is your best friend for tracking these down) and you have many opportunities to buy from the people who don’t do it to become rich but because they love it. Larger companies that I buy locally from and would recommend are Northbound and Aslan Leather, For Your Nymphomation toy cases or Ego Assassin and Kink Engineering Latex. That much said, cheap, disposable and mass-produced toys also have their place in the kink scene—just recognize that a cheap toy is ultimately the more expensive one because when it breaks you have to buy another and throw out the old one. Some toys that hold the fondest memories for me are a pair of floggers crafted by a wonderful woman back in the 1990s. The braiding is tight on the handle; her Turk’s head knots are perfect, and the tails of the floggers are made of the highest quality leather. These floggers look and perform just as well today and maybe even better than the day I purchased them. The price I paid for them divided over fifteen years of play is such a small amount for such a high-quality pair of floggers. I have since found another flogger maker—Master Andre out of Montreal—whose work is just as exceptional, and I have been buying from him and his wife for several years now. If you fall in love with something handmade by an artisan, don’t hesitate to buy it and brighten your life, because you never know how long the artisan will be in business. The more we support kinky artisans, the more time they can dedicate to the evolution of their craft. I make an active choice to support businesses that are working hard to create new and interesting toys of high quality, and I encourage you to do the same. Now that my toy collection has grown out of control, I have a rule that I follow when I’m on the road that slows down the acquisition of new items but keeps the collection of a high quality. I only buy a toy if: 1) I have never seen it before, or 2) I probably will never see it again, and 3) the price is right. This rule works for the most part but there have been decisions I regret. I still kick myself for not picking up a super swanky Austrian glass dildo with feathers delicately attached with a jeweled strap to the handle; the eight-hundred-plus price tag prohibited me from picking it up. I really wanted it, and I still do, but you have to have boundaries when buying toys, otherwise you will go broke pretty fast. Kinky sex is about respecting boundaries sometimes, even if we don’t like them; especially if that boundary comes with an 18 percent interest rate on your credit card.

  Facing Page: Who needs a boring vibrator when you can have a steampunk vibrator gun?

  Dry-erase marker washes off easily.

  Creative Adaptation: Pervertibles

  So what happens if you aren’t able to bring your favorite floggers on the road with you? Rest assured there are the “pervertibles”—everyday objects “perverted” from their intended vanilla use and turned into creative toys. The only limit is the boundary of your own creativity. How twisted are you? What do you want to get out of a scene or playtime with a partner? Where do you want to take them or be taken? Rubber gloves, a hairbrush, twenty inches of athletic wrap and a jar of strawberry jam can open up endless possibilities for a night of fun with your play partner in a cheap hotel. Ever tie your partner to the desk in a Holiday Inn, bent over with his or her ass stuck out, and when you swing your belt at his bum you almost take out the desk lamp? Yeah, me too! Well, that is a great and quick way to achieve a good spanking if you don’t have your favorite readymade toys handy.

  My favorite pervertible is the simple wooden kitchen spoon. There is something so classically 1950s housewife about it that has such appeal to my sense of service and belonging. My Dominant makes me clench it in my teeth and crawl to him and present it, so that I am the deliverer of my own instrument of torment. The sound is so addictive, that whoosh through the air accompanied by the SMACK on my ass as the cupped side impacts and makes it extra loud while I kick my feet helplessly. Loud spanking sounds have always turned me on. The handle can be flipped around and used for pussy torment and for Kegel challenges. He likes to make me stand with my legs apart and then lubes up my already slick pussy and slides the handle into me and orders me to clench my pussy around it and not let it drop out or else suffer the consequences.

  —Kittenlicious submissive

  This flogger has a polished aluminum handle with rubber tails, perfect for insertion and easy for cleaning up after

  A fiddle is a one piece locking collar and cuff made out of metal, useful for endurance play.

  If you played with a permanent marker, hand sanitizer does a better job than most soaps at removing it from skin.

  What I love so much about pervertibles
is that they are toys you create with your own dirty little mind—and I’m sure it is pretty damn filthy if you picked up this book. Toys are merely tools and objects; the people behind them make the scene steamy hot! Toys can be fetishized, but there is something extra special about creating something out of limited resources. Being able to improvise with what you have on hand can mean the difference between playing or not playing; between creating a magnificent or a mundane night. We don’t always meet people in a fetish club while we have our toy bag with us. Sometimes we don’t even have our toy bags nearby: I have done scenes in clubs involving electrical extension cords, a length of garden hose and tweezers that were just as effective at bringing someone to tears as the most expensive snake whip I own.