How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Page 3
Facing Page: Have you been a bad boy?
Be a good slave and lick your mistress' shoes and don't miss a spot.
EMT shears are cheap and you should have more than one pair.
Navigating all of this requires skillful negotiation. In How to Be Kinky we looked at basic ways of negotiating your desires with the person in your primary relationship, and how to best reach a compromise through acknowledging those boundaries that both (or all) of you are comfortable with. In this chapter I’ll offer some directions for finding your way through the tangled forest of human sexuality and more complex issues that will arise now that you are well past the newbie stage, with an emphasis on negotiating your way through it so that you and your partner(s) can be comfortable with how your relationships evolve. Bring your machete and compass—and don’t forget the nipple clamps!
Spreading water-based lube on someone’s feet and then letting it dry will make his feet extra ticklish.
It is essential to learn what really works for you, know yourself and your needs and desires, and then be able to communicate that to your partner(s). While always taking pains to play safe, try things that might push your own boundaries from time to time just to see if they are still in the same place as you left them. They might not be, and you will learn something more about yourself in discovering that. Having a strong value system provides you with a scaffold for a M/s (Master/slave) structure, enabling you to build upon your experiences and create a kinky life that is your own unique pastiche. Some use M/s as a model for their daily lives and some let it complement theirs. Involving your partner in the decision-making process to ensure both of you are comfortable with what is happening will make this transition smoother. Regardless of the outcome, positive or negative, you should always conduct yourself with grace and dignity while exploring M/s. Be a person who keeps his word, says what he means and means what he says. This never goes out of style regardless of which lifestyle—Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, Top/bottom—you lead.
Whether or not a relationship is D/s or M/s oriented, it still has within it all the components of what we term a vanilla relationship; including the need for clear communication and skillful negotiation. That is a reality that I and many others engaging in kink relationships fail to grasp when relationships that we truly believe we have negotiated start to flounder and fail. Relationships in general follow a pattern or stages, beginning with infatuation. We become infatuated with the discovery of kink first and with finding venues to express our kink, a stage in which our hormones tend to be the driving force. It still strikes me how little my wife (now my submissive) and I knew about one another after months of dating. In reality, we had discovered certain likes and dislikes in conversations with one another, yet we had not plumbed the psychological depths of our characters. All the long conversations into the wee, small hours of the morning did not uncover how conditioned we were, what emotionally squicked us about the other person, and what psychological landmines might we encounter. It was only as our relationship evolved and we stepped on those landmines that we found how critical it is to have clear, genuine communication and to emotionally risk engaging in negotiations.
—Kindred, Sadist/Therapist.
The fingernail test is a great quick way to determine if a playmate’s circulation is good when you’ve got them tied up. Squeeze a fingernail firmly and then release. If it goes from white to pink immediately, the person is all right.
Negotiating Styles
We all want to experience what gets us off. Sharing our fantasies and playing them out in the bedroom or dungeon is part of what makes all of kinky sex so risqué! But how do you negotiate with your partner so that it’s a win-win situation? What if you have a kink that is not even on the same planet as your partner, or even if it is and you really want her to indulge you, how do you best approach the subject? You might have an urge that is really juicy deep inside you but because it is so close to your ultimate desires, you might be shy about sharing it with someone else. What follows are three basic negotiating types that I see continually surface in the BDSM lifestyle. I cannot claim to have invented these terms; they are gleaned from common knowledge and my experiences over the years. Familiarize yourself with these types so that you can both recognize which style you are dealing with and figure out the best techniques for negotiating with them. Think of it as understanding another language—the more languages you speak, the better you and your partner will be at getting what you both want. These negotiation types are the Aggressive, the Passive and the Ingenious.
The Aggressive negotiator feels that he or she must win in all negotiations. These individuals base their style of negotiation on the concept of “winners and losers” and they certainly will try in every negotiation to be the winner. For them, negotiation is as much a game of power struggle as it is about getting what they want. They may not really care much about the other person’s feelings or sometimes even the results as long as they win win win! These are the Dommes that must be in control regardless of the cost. They don’t feel comfortable if they don’t have their hands on the wheel at all times and will not hesitate to use distraction and chaos to confuse their partners, just to keep them off balance and second guessing their position. They also are not above lying to cover up their inability to master a situation. It is always about their success and the defeat of the other party and it can be difficult to negotiate with partners like this because they fail to see creative opportunities to bring resolution to a situation. Unfortunately these types also tend to fail to learn anything from their mistakes along the way, and don’t mind having other people bear the brunt of their learning curve. Be forewarned, this personality can also take the form of someone who is quiet and thoughtful, who has a lot of resources available to him. They don’t always blow in like a hurricane, they can smile and be subtle but recognizing their style early is key to making sure you get what you need without losing anything you have gained.
Facing Page: Gas masks can be super hot in any scene.
Glass toys are beautiful and lots of fun!
How do you recognize an Aggressive negotiator? They will use “I” language constantly in their description of themselves and their abilities “I am the only one that can teach you this, I am the only one who can show you how to serve properly, I am the only one that can introduce you to the community, I am the only one that is qualified to teach proper safety to DMs, et cetera…” Their style is based on egocentricity; they are the center of a universe where you are led to believe that without them, all would be lost.
How do you deal with an Aggressive negotiator? You have to be well prepared and wearing your figurative sparring equipment and chest protector because you are constantly going to need to be on your guard. Offer them alternative choices and refuse to be backed into a corner or bullied into a position. They may try to introduce variables that were never agreed upon. Logic works well in negotiating with this type. List your issues and position, be polite and calm and if their emotions get heated and demanding, walk away and let their little tempest blow itself out before picking up and trying again. This might take five minutes or five days. Patience is your most valuable ally. Be prepared to walk away, as the Aggressive negotiator is a stubborn one. If you wind up on the high ground with an Aggressive negotiator, be prepared to hear him or her suddenly offer up a trade-off situation. If they perceive they are going to be the “loser” in a dynamic, they will clutch at their previous gains and throw in conditions that were never on the table to begin with in order to still feel like they are “winners.” Have you heard something like this before? “Well, okay, if you want to play with that person on your own, then you have to prepare my meals/ shine my boots/ clean my house/let me fuck whomever I want for the next week.”
1 Take an extra long leash. This one is made by Pendragon Chainmail. 2 It happens to come with swivel clasps on both ends. 3 Tina drops the leash down through the D swivel… 4 to make a loop… 5 which she then slips over Kat’s
wrist. 6 Then she brings the leash around the other wrist…
7 and clips it into place… 8 trapping Kat's wrists and holding her secure. 9 Tina then turns our lovely victim around… 10 and brings her wrists up and over behind her head. 11 Then she wraps it around Kat's waist… 12 and pulls it through.
13 Ooo, now it is getting to the good part! She drops the chain down between her legs… 14 and back up through to the front again. 15 She comes up over the waist band and back down to clip the other end to the crotch chain. 16 Now when Kat struggles she will pull on the crotch chain that is directly over her clit and pussy! 17 Turn her around and give her a smack. You did a great job Tina!
When meeting a prospective online partner in real life, picking a public place for the initial meeting is completely acceptable. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.
How do we know when we are being misled by the Aggressive negotiator? After all part of the fun of being kinkier is the power dynamic exchange between the Mistress and slave. We love that position and the manipulation of power—the perceived imbalance of it all. And let me tell you, the Aggressive negotiator can appear to be the biggest, baddest, hottest Dominant in the room! It is really hot to know you are with a partner who is the Alpha. But being a Dominant and being abusive are two different things, even if the Alpha characteristics appear to blur that line initially. If you are a submissive and have an Alpha woman Dominant and she gives you the time to express your concerns and listens carefully, then it is more likely that you are going to continue to be with her than if she was just acting like a greedy pig without taking your feelings and desires into account. What if you recognize that this style is part of your own personality? Stay with me and I’ll show you how to open up and become a more well-rounded person who can negotiate more successfully later in this chapter. First, let’s look at the second negotiating type: the Passive negotiator.
The Passive negotiator is the flip side of the Aggressive negotiator in that he believes there will always be winners and losers in any negotiation and he focuses so much on not losing what he currently has that he doesn’t believe he can be a “winner” at all. These are the types of people who allow the Aggressive negotiator to chip away at any sort of gains they have made for themselves and will bail when they feel it is happening. It can be like dealing with a little bunny who is quite shy and would rather run away and hide than have his or her desires and needs fulfilled or be eaten by the big bad Dominant. These individuals don’t deal well with confrontation and tend to isolate themselves away from others and feel quite alone in their desires and too scared to share them with a partner. Have you heard this before? “I don’t need any community. I just do my own thing my own way because no one would really understand my needs or desires.” Or “I tried doing some of those things that my last Dominant really wanted but I got bored quickly and I found they really weren’t validating my feelings.” The Passive negotiator can be just as tricky to deal with as the Aggressive negotiator because you will spend most of your time chasing him before he opens up about what his needs and desires really are. He can also come off as really whiny and needy. This annoys the shit out of everyone in the end. What if you recognize yourself here? Pay extra attention to the best type of negotiating style: the Ingenious negotiator.
1 This is the travel model of a fucking machine. All of the components, including the motor, fit into a small travel case. 2 There are only three parts that need to be assembled—the two shafts thread together and the dildo slips over the end. 3 The controller fits into your hand and you are good to go. It’s that easy! (Slut not included.)
Vampire role play has become hotter over the past few years.
Always have a towel nearby.
The Ingenious negotiator is ideal because if she isn’t getting what she wants, she can adapt her behavior with her partner’s needs in mind in order to pursue their long term goals. Think of an Ingenious negotiator as a cross-country adventurer. She will arm herself with a compass, a map, maybe some power bars and a little water bottle full of lube and she is going to get to where she wants to go regardless of the terrain. She quickly recognizes that there are many more paths to making both parties happy and satisfied beyond just “winners and losers.” Fording streams, scaling cliffs, and negotiating the jungle of sexuality she will come up with ingenious and creative solutions to the problems she and her partner are experiencing. She believes in a win/win strategy and can successfully adapt in a win/lose if it will put her and her partner in a better position in the near future. For example, if she has tried one type of situation and it isn’t working, she’s flexible enough to accommodate other possibilities. She believes in learning from her mistakes and sees that challenges should be faced as a couple in a relationship, not an object to be won or lost. You can recognize the Ingenious negotiator by her inclusive language. She wants the other person to be as much a part of the decision-making process as possible so that the outcome is fair.
A little hand lotion applied to the skin before you use duct tape for bondage will make the removal less painful.
Here is a great example of a situation two switch friends of mine have encountered and the solution that works for them. She is the Top, but has a long and delicious fantasy of being used in a gangbang and objectified in very rough sex with multiple partners. He happens to have a cuckold fantasy and is a bottomy switch. You would think that these two fantasies would dovetail nicely… As fantasies—for sure! You can get all nasty and sweaty in your fantasies and do things that you would never do in real life. However in the real world there are many other variables that require consideration—emotional needs, sexual needs, and physical needs. It really turned them on when they would talk about the fantasy during sex and they loved how hot the fantasy was: her being gangbanged with him cuckolded in the corner. Throughout the workday they would melt the text screen of their cell phones chatting dirtily about it back and forth and they used it as a way to rev each other up for play, but they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it in real life. It was too much of a leap. They had always been monogamous, both physically and emotionally, and they couldn’t figure out how to tie their fantasy to real life since there are some very real issues involved in making such dreams come true. How would they establish the ground rules and what would those ground rules look like? How would they deal with any emotional fallout that might occur afterward? They came to me and asked how they could navigate this so that they could have their fantasy needs met while at the same time negotiating a real-life encounter. I suggested something that was quite obvious to me but not to them—the cornerstone of these fantasies was objectification, both passive and active. She wanted to be gangbanged and be active in the objectification and he wanted to be passively cuckolded in the corner. I recommended that they ask another couple to come and join them in some play at their home but not touch or be sexually involved with each other. To know they could have an audience and turn them on as much as they were turning themselves on was something that hadn’t occurred to them. In their fantasy life they were ready to be each other’s dirty little sex puppets but the real-life issues they had were too much to bring to reality. So they compromised and found a middle ground that they could both enjoy and relish. He wound up locked into a chastity device and giving her oral sex while she kept up the dirty talk and told him how the other couple was going to fuck the shit out of her while he helplessly watched. That worked for both of them since they found a couple that was really into voyeurism, who liked watching them. Everybody won and to this day they all still get together to play separately but in the same room.
A package of 100 bamboo skewers is cheap and offers limitless fun for the masochist.
The Ingenious negotiator is not a pushover or willing to capitulate every time a new challenge arises; on the contrary he is as much about giving as receiving. You will find that these individuals will take over in some specific situations, such as when time and outcome is a factor, maybe at a fetish night when he and
his partner find some hot new thing to take home to enjoy together, or if someone outside the relationship is directly challenging the hierarchy of the primary relationship. He tends to be flexible and ingenious.
The strengths of Ingenious negotiators are: they avoid trivial conflict as long as the other party is seeking a peaceful resolution, they value cooperation; if provoked they are quick to act against a move that is damaging to the relationship by letting the other party know immediately but they also forgive if the other person is sincere about his or her apology. Ingenious negotiators know that the core of all negotiation is trust and cooperation. They try to understand the other person’s position and strive together toward a strategy that works for both people.
Facing Page: Some scenes, like medical scenarios, definitely benefit from lots of equipment.
If you have a gag in your partner, give him something to hold and drop that will make noise if he can’t say his safeword, like a small bell.
In which prototype to you most see yourself? Which would you want to be? Two of them have their own particular appeal but in my experience the Ingenious negotiator is the one who understands the other’s needs and desires and works to a resolution that satisfies everyone in the relationship. There will be times when all three will overlap but if you take time to figure out which one you are dealing with, you will be better equipped when it comes time to figuring out what you and your partner want and how you can both have it. Having introduced the three different types of negotiating styles, let’s look more closely at understanding what types you and your partner might be. In getting kinkier we play with a power exchange that is hot, steamy and sometimes fraught with emotional and relationship landmines that aren’t as apparent in vanilla relationships, and understanding these negotiating styles can help defuse them.