How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM Read online

  The mindset for being kinky can be broken down into three categories:

  Penetration: penetrating partners with things (if they want that)

  Bondage: tying them up or otherwise restraining them

  Sensation/Safety: everything under the sun that can deliver sensation: massage, feathers, prickly things, percussion; and of course Safety—lets keep at least one foot in reality shall we?

  Confidence is and will always be the sexiest trait you can have.

  Sometimes slutty shoes are all you need in the bedroom!

  PBS for short. I’m sure you will never look at public TV the same way again.

  These are the three general areas that really round out a scene. Take a little from each and you may find yourself having two Saturdays and a Sunday in your Friday night.

  Setting the Stage in the Boudoir

  There are lots of little things you can do to prep the bedroom so that when the time is right you already have the stage set. For instance, plan ahead for a bit of restraint. As I’ve noted, silk or nylon scarves are wonderful—strong and soft at the same time. If you can find them long enough, you may want to tie one end around each bedpost or down on the legs of the bed. Especially if you have a bed where there is a little bit of room on the inside of the frame, they can then just be tucked between the mattress and box spring for when you need them. There will be more on knots in chapter 7.

  Candelabra are wonderful and really set the mood. And, if you have six burning candles (find a low-temperature wax to start!) bathing the room in a golden light, how about taking one of them to use for hot wax play?

  How to tie hands using a scarf

  1 A woman’s scarf can be great for improvised bondage.

  2 Call over your sexy submissive!

  3 Start by putting your partner’s hands firmly behind her back.

  Most of us have heard about how you can put hooks in the ceiling for kinky play (see Better Built Bondage Book on securing to ceilings in Resources). Here is what is going to happen when your friends come over after you have finished installing rings in the ceiling:

  “So, that’s an interesting place to hang a plant, right in the middle of the room.”

  “Yep.”

  4 Wrap the scarf once around.

  5 Then bring the ends around to the front again.

  6 Cross the ends so they point up and down.

  7 Bring the ends through the middle and back to the front one under and one over and tie a knot.

  8 Make one more knot.

  9 You can even tie a pretty bow!

  (Awkward silence)

  “Um, what did you want on your pizza again?”

  Expect to go through this exchange. You aren’t fooling anyone about why the rings are there. Hell, you might as well put the rings in the middle of the room because you can’t get any decent access with a sub jammed in a corner. Just accept it and have fun with it and don’t elaborate when quizzed unless they prod you for more. Silence is a powerful tool, and we don’t want to involve others nonconsensually. Sure some of your friends are going to look at you funny when they notice. It is going to happen. Trust me.

  Belting Striking someone with a belt or some other narrow strap.

  How about this account of an embarrassing moment:

  I was house-sitting for my folks years ago. I was in my midtwenties and full-on into expanding my kinky side. They have a wonderful farm and a big barn with an empty hayloft. I was dating two submissive girls at the time and they had both been over for an afternoon of playtime. When it came time to clean up, being the responsible and lazy Dom that I am, I stuck the strap-on harness (a full rubber one with stainless steel buckles and rings, made by Aslan Leather), the dildos, butt plugs, and a humongous double-ended dong in the dishwasher for cleaning. I turned it on…and then forgot about it. Hey, I was exhausted, the girls had just left and all I wanted to do was sleep.

  The next day, I got up do more conventional house-sitting chores like mowing the lawn, and eventually my folks came home.

  Here is what it sounded like:

  “Hi dear, did you have a nice time while we were away?”

  “Oh sure, I cut the lawn for you and just goofed off all weekend,” I said as I walked through to the tv room….

  Mom at this point was busy unpacking her things, and then reached for the dishwasher (which I had still forgotten all about).

  When I heard the clack of the dishwasher lever being opened everything came rushing back but it was too late at that point; time slowed just like in a John Woo movie. All that was missing was a white dove flapping in the background.

  “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS???? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, WHO HAS BEEN OVER???” I rushed into the kitchen and my mother was holding the twenty-inch-long double-ended dong, waggling it at me in a very threatening manner.

  At this point my father turned on his heel and headed for the garage. He is a very smart man.

  What to do? Understand that while they adored the one girl I was dating in a vanilla sense, they had no idea the other submissive and I were currently involved, and they hated her. We had been involved years earlier and she was a magnificent bad girl (my weakness) and I couldn’t let them know that I had had a full-on orgy with the two of them in the barn, on the living room sofa, in the basement with them tied up to the I-beams, across the kitchen table doing things that would make the Romans blush, et cetera. I did the only thing I could do at that point. I had to draw upon my courage, look her straight in the eye, and lie to my mother.

  Dishwashers are great to clean some toys, but don’t leave them behind!

  Birching Using a bundle of light thin rods, typically made of freshly cut birch switches. Similar to Caning.

  “Er, they are mine?”

  “OH MY GOD—THEY? THERE ARE MORE??” she said, dropping the double-ended dong and proceeding to yank out the racks and discover the strap-on harness, butt plugs, and a bright purple ten-inch dildo with its gracefully arched shaft ending in the head of a dolphin.

  “GET IT ALL OUT OF MY DISHWASHER!!!” And she stormed off slamming doors in her wake.

  Note to self: be more vigilant with dishwasher duties.

  She actually went a little grayer that day. And she stopped talking to me for about a week. Which was nice, I enjoyed the silence.

  So far that has been the worst-case scenario in my life of goofs. And I lived through it and most likely you will too. Do what you can and just grin when caught with the feathers in your mouth. You might be embarrassed to the maximum amount but blame it on being kinky. For god’s sake don’t run and hide.

  Other suggestions for setting up your bedroom dungeon:

  Throw pillows are indispensable for stacking and restacking for sex positions, especially for anal sex missionary style. Ikea sells them by the carload and they are machine washable! Take some time to make your den of iniquity welcoming and warm feeling. Check to see that your lamp isn’t within swinging distance of your new flogger. Move things out of the way.

  A good play date always requires a little clean up.

  There will probably be a good amount of lube flowing around your new dungeon so look for a water soluble one that doesn’t stain. Silicone or oil-based massage lubricants can sometimes stain sheets, especially white ones. Have a few of your secondary towels handy, like under the bed or off to the side. You probably don’t want to use your best towels unless you really are into pampering.

  Got a jar or container for the condoms or dams?

  Where are you going to keep your toys: hanging on a rack in the closet or tucked away in a drawer somewhere? When I have a partner come for a playdate, I have her do the arranging of my toys for me. I find it is a nice way to ease the sub into a play headspace and she gets to think about which way to arrange the toys and which ones she might want me to use on her (Oh, come ON, submissives, you know you have put some really yummy toy you love front and center in the line-up hoping the Dominant or Top will use it on you first!). I have my own dung
eon, but in my bedroom I use my grandmother’s antique hope chest she received on her wedding day. It has a beautiful walnut veneer and is deep and wide with a drawer down below that holds canes and other long instruments.

  You’ll want to keep things neat and presentable; who’s going to want to play with a slob? If you can’t take care of the barest necessities like having a clean bedroom, what does that tell your potential play partners about the care and attention you will pay to them and their safety? Dirty clothes and dirty plates in your bedroom will turn someone off immensely. Do everyone a favor and clean up—and this goes for personal hygiene as well.

  Of course you don’t have to be limited to the bedroom. I like to look for the opportunity to be kinky anywhere. Kitchens have lots of tasty toys one can play with. A pancake flipper makes a very mean spanking instrument for a cook who burned the cookies; an apron has long strings for tying someone’s hands together while you ravish him on the counter. Hallways have nice close quarters your partner can’t escape from; living rooms have couches and ottomans with legs for tying ease. You don’t need massive amounts of room; your devilish mind can come up with all sorts of things even in limited spaces. I once did a small, intimate scene in an airline seat with my submissive on a flight to Montreal in which a few of her fingers were tied to each other with thread to keep her in the right mindset that she was mine and under my control. She still had her hands free for mobility; just two fingers were restrained as a reminder of what was to come when we finally got to our hotel in Old Montreal. This is a perfect example of taking advantage of an opportunity to turn an ordinary situation—in this case, a boring flight—into something that sets the stage for more excitement to come.

  Getting Ready for a Scene

  Test your toys on yourself beforehand.

  Have ropes tied to the corners of the bed and tucked under out of sight.

  Have low-temperature candles at hand.

  Set aside towels for cleanup and a blanket for cooldown.

  Get your best and hottest outfit.

  Sometimes even the dominant loses control of the situation!

  Chapter Two

  * * *

  Social Parameters

  Now that you have a general idea of what goes into kinky play, let’s take a look at some of the roles that are associated with it. What is a Top, bottom, Switch, Dom, sub, slave or Master and what does each do? What the hell are we talking about and why all the labels? Here is a very quick breakdown of what they are and how they dovetail with other terms or roles:

  Dominant: Someone who assumes the dominant role in sex or playtime. The boss in charge. One who has a desire to control or have power over another in playtime.

  Submissive: Someone who likes to be sexually submissive or passive. The receiving person from a Top or Dominant or Switch. Can also be service oriented without any overt sexual activity.

  Switch: Greedy play pigs who always make a party a real happening place! These are sexual beings that can play the Top or bottom and move fluidly between the two at any given time. Make sure you always invite these people to your parties.

  Top: Someone who can play the dominant role when required, usually only for certain situations, regardless of his or her orientation. For example, I have a very good friend who identifies as a Master who routinely has his slave top others just for his visual enjoyment.

  Bottom: Looks like a submissive, but like the Top he or she can just be playing a role when required. Sometimes in smaller areas when there are few people to play with, all four of the kinky people in Thunder Bay, Ontario might get together as Switches and top or bottom to each other regardless of how they identify, since some playtime is better than no playtime.

  Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go anywhere they want.

  Ball Gag: A gag made of a rubber ball attached to a strap. The ball is fixed in the mouth with the strap fixed around and buckled behind the head.

  Master or Mistress: Someone who identifies with a lifestyle choice to dominate someone (a slave) 24/7, in a Total Power Exchange (TPE).

  Slave: Someone committed to the lifestyle of BDSM, putting his or her entire being in her Master or Mistress’s care and control. This is considered an extreme form of BDSM, the flip side of the TPE.

  There are also brats, Daddies and little girls, ponies and puppies, corporal punishment and rope sluts, naughty nurses, bad babysitters, bullies, leather bois, adult babies, cross-dressers, and more. Fetish roles and interests can be narrowed to a fine point if you so desire, but there are some general roles that most people use to help them frame their personal experiences. Keep in mind this is about kinky people and the roles they assume during playtime, and doesn’t necessarily apply to your vanilla life.

  You may not be able to decide where you are on the scale for labels. You don’t have to label yourself immediately. Take some time to figure out what you like and how you like it. This isn’t a race but rather a journey. When you first start out you may feel that defining yourself might limit your ability to take advantage of opportunities for flexibility or personal growth. Revel in the experiences you like and see how much you enjoy them. Take your time exploring hedonism and sample from all the thirty-one and more flavors of sexuality.

  That being said, some people do enjoy labels.

  I choose my label, submissive, for convenience, to suit a situation, as something quick that offers a general framework until I am in negotiations, which are much more intense. I need open communication with partners, especially new ones, regarding things they like or what I like, and what I like depends on the partner and the situation. The labels don’t have to be strong definitions; what’s key is seeing them as rough guidelines that give you an idea what the other person is into. Still, sometimes labels can be really hot, especially during role-play. The word slave has such a history and is such a loaded term that it helps put both me and my partner in the right headspace for a scene almost immediately. I even love the way it sounds when Sir drags it out, “Slaaaave”—it sends a shiver up my spine.

  —gregg, submissive extraordinaire

  Many people identify with the term “slave”.

  If the Cuff Fits: Exploring Roles

  BDSM: Overlapping terms Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

  When you are first starting out it pays very well to listen carefully when people talk about their role orientation. Communication is a two-way street and nurturing a dialog will give you a much better idea of how they see themselves and their interests. Individual interpretations of the basic roles in BDSM and the desires that fuel them naturally vary, but there tend to be underlying commonalities among participants. For instance, just about anyone identifying as a Dominant will be expected to be the facilitator of a scene; to be responsible and in charge of the scene, his emotions and physical reactions and those of the participants under his control; to be in charge of planning for or delegating those responsibilities; to be honorable and be willing to be accountable.

  There are lots of variations on roles, depending on the individuals involved and the situation. While mining the Internet for information you have probably come across the topic of “topping from the bottom.” This describes the situation where a bottom is directing a scene. This gets a bad reputation from the community when it is used in broad general terms. There are those that get enjoyment out of providing themselves as service bottoms or service Tops to those who are just learning about BDSM. People just starting out in the community often find that being students to a mentor or going to educational workshops can expedite learning the nuts and bolts of a particular dynamic in kinky sex. More experienced players who are willing can help newbies by “topping from the bottom.” I like to think of BDSM play as a partnership and when it is done between two people that care about each other (even if it is only for a few hours) it is a great way for newbies to get exposure and explanations about certain activities. (Mentorship will be fully covered in chapter 9.) It can really se
t the stage for fun times down the road.

  For example, say you just met this really hot guy and you are a newbie who really wants to learn how to top and say, just for convenience sake, he is an experienced submissive or bottom who loves having his nipples twisted. You just happen to be alone with him on a Friday night, along with a bag of clothespins from a hardware store and an eagerness to make him squeal like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Because he is experienced, he knows what he likes, how he likes it, and for how long he likes it, and he can teach you that—topping from the bottom. This is a great way to start a Friday night date and it gives you the chance to explore how things like clothespins and nipple clamps are properly attached to the body (see photographs in the next chapter for instructions) and additional things the two of you might do.

  How to tie hands to a bed

  1 Good quality rope is a must have for safe play.

  2 First get yourself a wiling victim.

  3 Find the middle of the rope and fold it over so it is doubled.

  4 Wrap it around their wrist three times leaving about a 12" tail where the looped (also known as the bight) end is.

  5 Your wraps should be loose enough that you can fit a finger up through them.

  6 Cross the loop end of the rope over the other end then firmly pull it up through the wraps (up against the skin).

  7 Pull the ends to snug them up. Don't tighten too much just enough to be comfortable.

  8 Tie the ends in a simple double knot.