How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Read online

  14 Look at that, we are almost done! If you are feeling more sadistic you can slowly twist or rotate the needle for extra stimulation. Make sure you know your submissive very well before introducing this sensation. 15 What a good girl! Our lovely submissive Lyarah has taken all the needles; she has a nice endorphin flush and is pretty proud of herself. Give your submissive time to enjoy this moment. There is no rush to remove the needles. She might be crying or finishing crying or about to cry. Let her body relax and adjust to these sensations. 16 When it is time to remove the needles, pull the end and let it slide out of the skin. Do NOT try to fit it back into the plastic safety cap it came with. The chances of inadvertently stabbing yourself are high and if you do, you will then have a cross contamination issue to deal with. Instead just grasp the colored cap, pull it out and drop it into a sharps container.

  17 The people who dispose of sharps containers know how to do so safely and don’t need the safety cap on the needle as the entire container will be incinerated. Find a proper disposal method for your sharps container when it is full. 18 When the needles come out, let the area bleed a bit. It will help flush out the wound. Once the bleeding has stopped you can use a disposable swab to clean away the blood. If you have been successful the piercing should leave a tiny hole that will barely be visible and then disappears in a few days.

  If you know that your fingers are going somewhere sensitive, treat yourself to a manicure and tell the technician to smooth down the edges. Sharp nails are great to run down a back but not so welcome when they’re pushed in somewhere else.

  Hard and Soft Skill Sets

  Skills that your mentor will attempt to share and instill in you can be broken down into either hard or soft skills. Hard skills are tangible—how to use a singletail whip, bondage methods, the use of plastic wrap or hot wax; something that can be demonstrated, learned and encouraged in a physical sense. Soft skills are intangible but no less important than hard skills: the respectful and polite manner that you should use to treat people in the scene, protocol nuances, dependability and conscientiousness, social graces and personal habits. It can be these soft skills that define how you’re thought of in the scene, regardless of your skill or talent in your field. For example: once at a fetish party I was doing a spanking demonstration and having a lot of fun doing it. I needed three volunteers, which were quickly found, but I had about five more single submissives volunteer, more than I could handle for the demonstration. The hard skill set I was demonstrating was the spanking techniques but the soft skill set I demonstrated to my protégé was how to take those five eager submissives and politely tell them that I had enough volunteers for my demo but if they were interested in being volunteers for the hands-on portion for some of the extra single people at the class, that would be terrific. I would be there watching and helping the Tops learn how to spank them but I definitely had enough for my demonstration portion of the evening. That way I didn’t reject them; no one likes rejection, especially if they are volunteering, but I was still was able to keep them involved and make them feel that their eagerness and contribution was valued by me. Afterward I made sure I thanked each one individually in a friendly and respectful way. Both your hard and soft skill sets are what will set you apart from others in the scene. It is how people will discuss your techniques and also your manners. I like to set extremely high expectations for myself, much higher than others would have for me, so I always keep reaching to be the best I can be. It takes time, discipline, empathy and a willingness to share your skills with others that will help you grow in your kinky practice.

  Be gentle both physically and mentally when introducing something new—especially if it’s the lollipop prostate massage wand!

  Voice training is a great way to keep your presence on your slave; make sure he knows which phrases he should use to address others even when you are not there.

  Fetish and Lifestyle Conferences

  What happens at these and what is the point of going to them? Are they worth your time and effort even if you have already found a mentor and explored your local scene?

  Ideally you should be using all resources available for learning opportunities. But a Fetish or Lifestyle conference offers something more than intangible words and concepts read on the Internet or the careful tutelage from someone more experienced than you. It is the chance to meet, network and exchange ideas and skills with others who are just as deviant as you; hundreds of them. These conferences typically bring people internationally together. Events such as Shibaricon, Floating World, Mr. Leather Toronto, Thunder in the Mountains, International Mister Leather and South Plains Leatherfest, to name a few, are all conferences that will help you to network and explore how others do things similarly and differently than you do. In all the years I have been teaching at or attending conferences, I have never gone to any conference and not come away with a new technique or a new way to approach playtime, or some new mental treat to gnaw on and wonder over when I get home.

  Pitfalls of Learning

  When you go to these conferences, you will more than likely see some really tasty technique, perhaps a new approach that you think can enhance the protocol with your slave and you want to introduce it into your relationship, but are hesitant as to how to do so successfully. There is a lot to absorb from conferences and sometimes we come away with the kid in a candy store response: so much to try, how do we know what to start with and how do we know that it is going to compliment rather than complicate our relationship dynamic?

  Like any relationship, D/s relationships need communication and clarity, plus consistency. It is one thing to want to implement something new; it can be an entirely different challenge to do so successfully. It isn’t just up to the Dominant or Top to manage the new challenge; it requires work from both or all the people in the relationship to navigate it successfully. Keep in mind that conferences with all their attendees are just a snapshot of the lifestyle and the promise it holds for happy and satisfying relationships. It is one thing to see a superhot protocol class, led by the Grand Poobah of the house of Thor’s Iron Fist, but when you get home and try to implement the same style of protocol, you and your partner may feel let down when it doesn’t run as smoothly or fluidly as you saw it working at the conference. You may wonder what went wrong and why you both couldn’t make it “work” like you saw it at the conference. This usually leads to feelings of frustration for both the Top and bottom. Relax: it’s normal for things to not run exactly like you saw them demonstrated.

  Facing Page: Knives can be thrilling in the right hands!

  An enticing outfit can make every scene hotter and make your Bottom submit to your every desire!

  When you and your partner move further into BDSM, watch kinky porn together to find out what turns her on without asking direct questions.

  Often what works best is to reduce what you want to take from a new technique or activity down to its essence and then shift and change it to suit your own style and lifestyle opportunities. Take from the workshop an element you think would work really well for you both. Find the nugget of gold within someone else’s information and take from it what works for you. It is okay not to use everything you saw.

  For those who are into public demonstrative of service, for example, someone might have his or her slave pick them up at the airport after a business trip and then kneel in the arrivals terminal to kiss their boots; others might find that too public and prefer to wait until they get to the hotel before the boot licking begins. Choose what is right for you and your lives together and don’t measure your success against others. There are realities of that situation that might not sit well with your own boundaries. What if there are families in the terminal that might be uncomfortable with such a display of affection? These are questions you need to ask yourself about what is important and what is appropriate in a given situation that only you can sort out in your life. I like to take the best parts from workshops and demonstrations I see and think of it as rebuilding a
car—I leave the engine that drives and provides movement intact but change the body and appearance to suit my own style, keeping what is important and what works for my life in public and in private. There are no rules for BDSM, much to many people’s dismay, but there are conventions and you will be surprised, once you start paying attention to the little details in your kinky practice, how much you can recognize those details in others in the vanilla world. It might be how one person carries another’s bags in the shopping mall; it might be how one lover wraps his fingers around the neck of his loved one as they walk down the street, or even how doors magically open for another due to the efforts of some lucky submissive. The details are there; it’s fun to watch and figure out who is who and what they are into just from the little actions that unfold under the noses of the vanilla world.

  Chains can leave telltale marks on the neck and wrists so everyone knows what your slave has been doing!

  Mirrors can bring a whole new dimension to a scene or bedroom.

  When you are ready to introduce something new into your relationship, be it a new technique or protocol, here are a few tips to help smooth the way and give this new practice the opportunity to either flourish or flounder. Dominants, understand that submissives or bottoms don’t deal well with sudden changes in behavior or erratic whims. They like consistency and sometimes react unfavorably and challenge new rules or desires if they don’t “like it” or can’t figure out why it is you want to change things. Taking your submissive’s feelings into account and explaining why you want to change or introduce something new will go a long way to reassuring the submissive or bottom that you are taking both your best interests to heart. Bottoms and submissives do well with structure because of the hierarchy that BDSM and kinky sex has at its fundamental core. When something new challenges that, or worse, doesn’t even remotely fit in with the structure you have created, it can cause them to question other decisions you have made in the past or other structures you have in place. Communication is beneficial to everyone when introducing something new, and sometimes your partner may not like this new element at first, but he or she should try to understand it and why you want to introduce it and how it is going to benefit your relationship. Submissives have an inborn need to please and Dominants have a need to be served and if both or all parties can get on board the same kinky communication train, the better chance for success everyone is going to have.

  There’s a good boy. Do as mistress tells you!

  There’s nothing better than a fierce boy with a flogger!

  Dominants

  You need your submissive to understand why you are implementing something new and the reasoning behind it

  You need them to be willing to give it 100 percent for a trial period

  You need them to trust to follow your lead

  You need to be consistent

  If you are interested in needle play, visit your local dungeon for demonstrations on temporary play piercing.

  Submissives

  You deserve to know why your Dominant is introducing or implementing something new

  You are required to give it 100 percent for the trial period

  You don’t have to follow blindly, but you should be willing to surrender and not unconsciously sabotage the activity

  You deserve consistency when something new is introduced

  Success, like failure, is something that both partners are responsible for. This is a dynamic made up of people and people will stumble at times. We all do. How we pick ourselves back up and arrange the pieces into a more manageable order is the mark of reputable character regardless of whether you are a Mistress or a slave. Not everyone has all the answers. Sometimes the only way you can judge whether or not something is going to be successful is by trying it out and learning from what goes right and what doesn’t go right. When you are in a loving D/s relationship, you need to be able to say, “Yep, that didn’t work out very well, but now we know because we gave 100 percent of our energy toward trying it.” This is much better than the “Just do it because I tell you to”—which typically leads to resentment. Likewise, if something is successful, it is because you both found what was important and managed to incorporate it in your activities because you both find value in it. The difference between a satisfying real-life relationship and one based in fantasy is keeping those lines of communication open and having a healthy dose of empathy for one another. Take care of those that take care of you and you will be able to weather anything in your relationship

  Five Key Points for Developing in Your Community:

  Running a munch is a good way to expand your community and give back to it

  A mentor should have walked the same path as you

  Conferences are a great place to meet and share new ideas

  Consistency and empathy are key points when introducing something new

  You and your partner(s) are all responsible for success and failure in the relationship

  Chapter Nine

  * * *

  How to Be a Pro: Finding Your Niche

  The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch.

  —Jim Rohn

  How do you become influential in the kinky community? Can you make a living as a fetish model? And how do you juggle all the logistics involved in event organizing? Let’s look at this last aspect first.

  Organizing Events

  As we saw in the previous chapter, organizing munches is a lot of work but well worth the effort. Once you get the munch organizing under your belt, you will most likely want to try putting on a kink event. Organizing an event takes a lot of work. Be prepared to prove that “the host works the most.” Most people organize events out of a love for the group. When you take charge of putting together an event, you will receive accolades from lots of people in the community and, unfortunately, you will likely be subject to criticism from those who do not step up to organize events themselves. You may find that those who do the least in the community typically whine the loudest. It’s just as true with our scene as with other organizations that aren’t even kink related. How many times have you been in a meeting at work and the person complaining the loudest is the person who does the least? To deal with those people, the best defense is to steadily build your reputation for organizing fun, safe and consensual parties. If you do a good job you will have backup from people who love your parties. Don’t be swayed by negative feedback from only a few people. If the overwhelming majority of people are positive, then take their comments and energy and help it to shape your next event. Be focused about what you want to do for your event: do you want it to be educational, informative, political, play based or a something else?

  Facing Page: Face and head bondage are easy and fun and only require a bit of yarn.

  Fantasies are hot but keep a foot in reality; recognize your boundaries when you reach them.

  Here is what you will need to do:

  1. Find a venue (that has appropriate insurance)

  2. Find a crowd (or audience)

  3. Arrange the entertainment and volunteers

  4. Get a website together and promote it

  5. Send out invites to existing mailing lists—be polite to other organizers and demonstrate that you are not competing with them

  6. Create promotional print material and plan for effective distribution

  7. Arrange for play equipment to be delivered or go fetch it yourself

  8. Work your ass off on the evening of the event and be REALLY good at delegation (you will spend most of your time putting out fires and keeping everyone happy)

  9. Accept that at an event you are running, the host works the most and your opportunity to play will have to take a backseat to managing the event

  10. Collapse in a heap at the end

  I had become friends with many of the main people in the scene: the club owners, the suppliers, the people that were truly the movers and shakers of Toronto’s kink. I loved a good party, and on off nights with no fetish even
ts, I would invite them all to my house.

  Soon we could no longer hold house parties because my neighbors would complain about all the spanking, cries of pain/pleasure and half-naked people coming in and out of the house. We moved up to venues around Toronto, renting local dungeon spaces for parties or friends’ studio lofts. All the while I collected email addresses from friends so I could let everyone know where and when the next event would be. A random date at some random place, RanDOM Fetish Events took off. The warehouse parties would have three-hundred-plus people and the spaces I could find to rent just didn’t have everything I needed to complete my vision.

  The first party at the famous Reverb Night Club drew over five hundred people, selling out the venue, which featured local and international acts doing amazing stage performances. We decided to name this monthly party Sub-Space. Things have grown and grown and now in addition to SubSpace we also hold the yearly Torture Garden Toronto Weekend featuring four days and nights of fetish parties and workshop seminars.