How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime Page 14
Lastly, you’ll find out that removing the wax can be just as fun as putting it on them! I like to use a big scary hunting knife with the edge dulled to slide carefully and slowly under the edge of the wax and scrape it off the skin. Be sure to take the edge off the knife so there is minimal chance of cutting them and go slowly, with a firm grip on the handle. If you are not ready for knives yet, your fingernails picking the edges and lifting the wax off in small sheets against the hypersensitive skin will really excite your slave!
The Play’s the Thing: Play/Dungeon Monitors
When you become active and start going to fetish nights, and after demonstrating that you are a person of integrity and well balanced in general, you will more than likely be approached by the organizers of an event to volunteer for a shift as the Play Monitor (PM) or Dungeon Monitor (DM) at a party. This is a wonderful opportunity to be involved with the organizers and get to know people in the fetish world better and it has the altruistic reward of contributing to the community. You will better understand what goes into the organizing of an event and have a larger perspective on it as a whole, and there is no better way to get involved in the beginning. There are safety issues that a PM or DM has to be aware of not only in the physical sense but also in the emotional and mental sense of walking a fine line between the venue restrictions, the organizers’ rules, and monitoring the play space for safety and ensuring that the players aren’t intruded upon. Oh, and you have to make sure that the equipment isn’t hogged and that it’s cleaned appropriately afterward. You’re also charged with ensuring the safety of the patrons and helping the organizer stay on top of potential issues that might end the party early for everyone. It isn’t an easy job and more than likely someone at the party is going to bitch later on either about how they didn’t get enough time on the equipment or their scene was interrupted, but you can only do your best.
Good quality latex cat suits come in a wide variety of colors.
When you are having rough sex, use the word “fucker” after “deeper and harder.”
Patrons need to remember that they are guests at a party and house rules are to be respected. All players going into a group party should read and familiarize themselves with the rules beforehand. That said, there are some overzealous PM/DMs who feel their word is law and they have the right to be jerks with a capital J because a scene they are observing goes against their personal interests. I have seen DMs at events intrude and stop a scene that was well within the boundaries of the house rules, merely because the theme squicked their particular sensibilities. Their job is not to personally police a scene and micromanage it but to help the players stay within the house rules and more importantly, keep other patrons from stumbling into the play space. This means that they should have first-aid training in case it is needed and a full understanding that the venue rules may or may go beyond their own personal boundaries. As a PM/DM, you are there to help add ambience to the evening and help things run smoothly, and to assist in the event something goes sideways, not to provide homeland security or judgment. Oftentimes a scene will be performed by two or more people and will be outside the area of expertise or experience of the DM. What a DM shouldn’t do is interrupt midscene and order the participants to stop with statements like, “You are playing too hard, and I am not comfortable with it.” If the house rules are being followed and they are experienced players with their own track record, the DM’s comfort level is not important. The host of the party is responsible for adequately training a new PM/DM; that is one of their jobs—they should not assume the PM/DM is familiar with all the house rules. Typically an organizer or host will ask the monitors for that evening to show up a half hour before the event for a briefing on equipment and safety procedures, to ensure the evening flows smoothly. As a PM/DM new to the community, if there is an issue you are not comfortable with, you should find the host of the party and ask him or her how they want to proceed, since it is the host that is ultimately responsible.
That’s right, do everything the nice lady tells you.
When spanking your partner, change your hand shape from flat to palm cupped and arched to change the sensation. Pull his/her hair too!
I was playing at a party a while ago where the submissive I was suspending had his hands turn purple in the bondage, something that would normally be a cause of concern to those of us who want the play to be safe, right? The well-meaning but misguided PM/DM interrupted my scene and demanded that the submissive be lowered immediately. Let me restate the point I made above—the PM/DMs are not there to police a scene. I am a very accomplished bondage rigger and player and with this particular submissive, who I have suspended and tied up many times in the past, I knew the limits of his body and knew that no matter how lightly you tied him, his body’s response to any bondage was always to turn his fingers light purple. He is very aware of his body, practices yoga, works out and is in top physical health and most of all we communicate and we trust each other. He is an excellent partner because he monitors his own body and space as the scene progresses and has no problem with keeping me apprised of the situation as the scene unravels. Subsequently I found the host of the event and explained what had happened and he took matters into his own hands to rectify the problem with the PM/DM. Of course all the energy of my scene was lost and a great play session was wasted because of a misguided PM/DM. The DM is there to serve and assist the host. When in doubt, if you are a PM/DM, and there is no glaring safety issue, always defer to the host. A PM/DM or party attendee can ruin a party simply by not understanding what is happening in a scene that may be out of his or her range of experience. If you are going to play hard at a party or do something particularly intense, let the host know ahead of time (usually at the beginning of the party when things are still relatively quiet) and ask for feedback and whether or not they are comfortable with your plans. There is nothing more frustrating than clearing a takedown scene with the host and then having a misguided DM/PM jumped into the pile with the rest of the players. What might be a carefully choreographed scene could become dangerous with an additional person pushing and shoving, not knowing that all the players are accustomed to their roles. Necks can get twisted, arms and fingers could get stepped on and what started out as a fun struggle scene now results in sprains and icing the injured parts because of a PM/DM that simply “didn’t know.” If you are doing DM shift, always ask the host if there is something unusual preplanned for that night and ask for direction, for the sake of the venue, the hosts, the patrons and your own safety.
Facing Page: Thigh-high boots never go out of fashion.
If you are an exhibitionist, turn yourself in the passenger seat of the car, hike up your skirt and masturbate for him.
Take My Breath Away: Choking and Breath Play
In a nutshell, don’t do it. I know you have probably seen some great things online or read hot fantasies or even tried choking in bed, but the risks that are inherent in cutting off the air supply to your partner are not worth it. Let me just give you a quick example of how important air is—the first thing a paramedic or anyone who is administering first aid does is check to see if the injured person is breathing. There will be people who tell you that they can do it “safely,” and people who want to have it done to them; on Internet forums you will find people discussing judo chokes and how to apply them to your sex life—it is a hot and sexy and fascinating idea, but call me old fashioned or overly cautious: I don’t want any of my scenes that might go sideways to involve a visit from the police and coroner’s office. It is tough enough to explain the hooks in your ceiling to your mom, how will you explain that you took a breath play workshop and thought you would give it a go and now your partner is either dead or brain damaged? Sorry, but I just can’t get behind people on this one as a good idea for playtime. I am sure I am going to get mail from people who engage in it, but for me there is too much cost for not enough of a pleasurable return. Make your own choices as a responsible adult but my personal stance is very
firm on this one.
There are many sexier—and safer—ways to play with sensory deprivation than choking or breath play.
Five Key Points to Remember about Playing Safe:
If a scene goes sideways, don’t panic. Calm action will save the day.
Nothing is perfectly safe, but safety is your responsibility for what and whom you play with.
Arnica cream can help heal bruises.
Start hot wax play with the low-temperature religious candles in the tall jars.
PM/DMs are not there to police your scene at a public event; it is your job to stay within the boundaries of the venue rules.
Chapter Eight
* * *
Developing in Your Community
A mediocre Master tells, a good Master teaches, an excellent Master explains, but a true Master inspires.
—Anonymous
In my first book, I encouraged readers to find their local scene, attend munches, seek out play parties and get connected with a larger social network of real-life experiences rather than cloistering themselves online. In this chapter we are going to look more closely at developing within your kinky community, and ways in which you may also contribute to the scene in a positive and meaningful way.
Like-Minded Gatherings: Munches
If you are reading this book, I am going to assume you have been to a munch or sought one out. Munches are a great way to meet people in the scene and get your feet wet without encountering the expectations or conventions of a fetish party. Perhaps you live in a small town where there don’t appear to be any regular munches; what can you do? The Internet has connected us in so many ways, but sometimes there are real-life limitations on what we can do or what resources are available. If you are in this position, or just find that there isn’t an established munch that appeals to you—I encourage you to start your own. Munches aren’t hard to organize; with the social networking sites available now like Fetlife, as well as local lists on Yahoo groups, you can easily create a time and place for like-minded people to consistently meet once a month. Expect a slow start: years ago, when I first established the munch for Canadian Equus, which eventually turned out to be Canada’s largest pony play group, my munch began with exactly two people, one of them me. Me and a donkey boy who I still admire to this day, sitting in a coffee shop sharing stories and ideas about what we liked so much about pony play. It was a cold, windswept night in a little town north of Toronto in horse country (naturally). The country road on which Tim Horton’s coffee shop sat was as lonely as the dark sky outside. Donkey boy and I shared ideas, spoke frankly about what we wanted to try to put together and came up with a framework for the group over hot tea and scones in a few hours. Neither of us knew many people who were into pony play but we had faith that there were others out there. We’d seen the odd sex documentary or book at one of the local sex shops, and there was a wonderful magazine called Equus Eroticus run by Paul and Emily Reed that fueled our desires. We decided that we would run a munch once a month in Toronto and see who showed up. I posted on a local Yahoo group and we booked time at a great pub downtown with shiny brass rails, dark oak furniture and a crackling fireplace and crossed our fingers and hoped people would come. As we sat there, we wondered what we would do if no one came. What could be the worst that would happen? We figured that if worse came to worse, we would sit for an afternoon just the two of us and have a few pints and chat about kinky things. But people did show up; people who were curious, and we tripled our number for our first munch downtown, six people. More importantly, we got some positive feedback on the lists. The next month more people showed up and then the next month more and even more the third month. By the time summer arrived we had enough people to take over a whole section of the pub, and we were ready to run our first pony play event on a private farm resplendent with a barn and obstacle course. As an added bonus, Paul and Emily heard about it and they came to do the judging; we had a great event with lots of food and fun on a beautiful summer day amongst the rolling limestone hills.
Facing Page: This ass will be sore in the morning!
When giving him a blow job, pause to ask him where he wants to shoot his load on you.
That was my lesson: if you organize and offer something on an angle or topic that isn’t being offered otherwise, people will come. Word of mouth spreads fast in the scene, but not as fast as a posting on a social networking site. Here are some tips and ideas that will help you with setting up your first munch:
A look of terror on the face of their slave makes every mistress hot.
When he gets ready to cum, pull down firmly but gently on his ball sack to delay his orgasm until YOU are ready for him to cum.
1. Find a venue that is kink friendly. Bear in mind that a munch shouldn’t involve any play or showing off in kink gear or toys. We want to keep the vanilla people in the bar unaware of the subject matter since it really isn’t any of their business anyway. Call a few pubs and ask if they have a side room that you can arrange to use for a group meeting; tell them that this is for people that belong to a group that discusses alternative sexuality to just come and relax and chill. Don’t be evasive—the bar has a right to know what your group does; they just don’t need to know the details. This gives the manager the opportunity to put servers on your room who would be comfortable with your group, rather than someone who might freak out at the talk of whips or the pleasures of clothespins on nipples.
2. Come up with a snappy name, but not a stupid one. “Tracey’s Top Tuesday at the Tulip Lounge” pretty much conveys what the munch is about, what night it is on and where it is. You can also go with something more low key like “The Orlando Meet-Up Group” if you want to keep things even more under the radar. This really depends on how receptive your venue is. Keep in mind one thing about bars or restaurants like Denny’s—you are asking a manager if you can bring a group of paying customers into his or her establishment to sit, eat, drink and socialize for a few hours. These places are in business for a reason, and if you schedule your event in the middle of the week when things might be slow for the venue, they will usually be very receptive.
3. When you post it on the list, tell people to walk in and just ask for “Tracey’s Tuesday Group.” That way they are discrete in asking. The munch organizer will let you know how to ask for the group if you have contacted them earlier.
4. Create some guidelines and rules. If you are going to be the creator and organizer of the munch, you have to make yourself responsible for interacting with the staff of the bar or restaurant and your group members, should there be a problem. If you allow people to get out of control it will reflect badly on you. We are not aiming to ram our lifestyle or interests down others’ throats. Running a munch requires you to be an ambassador; conduct yourself as one. Typical guidelines for a much could be as simple as a) no toys or fetish wear; b) keep the conversations respectful; c) be sensitive to the vanillas that might be around and be welcoming if they express interest; d) No play of any kind; e) no nudity and f) what is discussed at the munch stays at the munch. There are lots of sample rules available online; glean from them what suits you best.
Facing Page: Good pets get treats!
Sharing your kink with others can give you the confidence to explore even further.
Push a pair of ice cubes into her and then take her for a walk while they melt and drip down her legs in public.
5. Make sure the servers know that everyone will be on separate bills! Don’t let yourself or someone else get stuck with the tab.
6. Set a time limit, maybe three hours. Some munches are run in the late afternoon on a fetish night so people can meet up and socialize before the event later on; other munches are in the middle of the week, which offers a nice respite from a dreary work week.
Facing Page: Whatever your particular kink, others will be into it too!
Come closer, I bite!
Make them wear your collar and leash and attach it to the headboard before they go to sleep
.
Above all else, try to keep it fun and enjoyable. Being a munch organizer requires you to be a secretary, organizer and den mother all in one. It is a great way to give others an idea of your interests and to meet new people.
Human beings have a natural desire to be part of a community and to surround themselves with others who share their interests, values and drives. Kinky people want to hang out with other kinky people, and if a community doesn’t already exist then they’ll start working to create and build one. There’s also the “newbie” factor: munches are usually the first point of contact for people exploring their kinky side (at least, after the Internet). Those new people bring a fresh perspective to things and help to keep the kinky community vibrant, dynamic and ever changing.
There’s satisfaction in having helped build something that has had a lasting effect on the lives of others. Over the years I’ve seen countless people enter the community, and begin making discoveries about themselves and their own desires. I’ve seen them explore, and grow, and develop. I’ve seen them form lasting relationships. I’ve seen them laugh, and cry, and fall in love. I’ve seen them reach the heights of ecstasy, as well as find the quiet comfort of being surrounded by others like themselves. Knowing that my efforts have helped create an atmosphere in which all of those things are possible is enormously satisfying.
—Bernie, Eh.B.C., Canada’s longest-running BDSM support group