How to Be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime
How to Be
Kinkier
More
Adventures
in Adult
Playtime
Morpheous
Green Candy Press
How to Be Kinkier
ISBN 978-1-937866-12-9
Published by Green Candy Press
www.greencandypress.com
Copyright © 2012 Morpheous
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without express written permission from the Publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages or reproduce illustrations in a review where appropriate credit is given. Nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the Publisher.
Dedication
Mary, Elle and Effi—Thank you for all your wonderful support over the years.
Contents
Introduction
by Nina Hartley
Chapter 1
What Is Kinkier?
Chapter 2
Advanced Negotiation
Chapter 3
Roles Taken Further
Chapter 4
BDSM Play and Polyamorous Relationships
Chapter 5
Advanced Sex Toys and How to Use Them
Chapter 6
Advanced Bondage Techniques and Gear
Chapter 7
Better Safe…
Chapter 8
Developing in Your Community
Chapter 9
How to Be a Pro: Finding Your Niche
Chapter 10
And finally….
Resources
Models
Special Thanks
About the Author
Introduction
Introduction
I became aware of Morpheous a few years back when he sent me a copy of his excellent first book for beginner kinksters, How to Be Kinky. I was struck right away by its honesty, accessibility, practicality, inclusivity, good humor and confident, friendly tone, which clearly arose from his lived experience as a happy kinkster. I recognized him instantly as a fellow traveler, someone dedicated to unlocking the mysteries, power, beauty and grace of sexuality by using his erotic nature as his guide. We each became comfortable in our skin, not just to have a rocking good time in bed, but also to share that deep understanding with others in a physical way, body to body. We’ve turned the adage, “Those who can’t do, teach,” on its head. We teach because we can “do,” the public teaching stemming from the private doing, as naturally as breathing.
Whatever else it may be, sex is, at its heart, a physical practice and dance, akin to martial arts, a tea ceremony, yoga or ballet. Becoming an effective sex partner requires a lot of practice and focus and that goes triple for kinky sex. Morpheous has done the heavy lifting for you regarding the practical aspects of kinky play, including how to think about adding kink to your sex life, and he has laid this information out for you in both his books. This enables interested parties to more effectively negotiate satisfactory relationships, be they for a night or a lifetime.
In the first book Morpheous spent a lot of time explaining the basics, such as “what is a whip?” “How does one use it?” “Why would one want to whip or be whipped?” “How can I safely tie up my partner?” and “What are good body postures to help get me/my partner in the proper mood?”; in short, all of the information one would need to transition from having regular, “vanilla” sex to creating a scenario precisely designed to drive the participants crazy with desire, and then satisfying that desire in ways never before imagined. For that conversation, How to Be Kinky is a most excellent primer.
Facing Page: Keep your sub under control at all times!
As the late-night TV ads say, “But wait, there’s more!” That “more” is the topic of this book. How does a couple that wants to invite a third party into the bedroom or playspace do so? What questions should we ask, both of ourselves as well as our potential partner? Of what must we be aware before we even attempt making real such a common fantasy? Morpheous makes it clear how best to proceed. Moving beyond the occasional, casual threesome, the author also delves deeply into the issues that arise when two people in a committed relationship decide that they’d like to explore polyamory. He offers good, practical guidelines for that conversation as well as an overview of the potential pitfalls.
What if a couple decides that it wants to expand the roles that the members inhabit during play outside the bedroom and into more of daily life (so-called “24/7” couples)? There’s a LOT to know before deciding to make your entire life a form of contemplative foreplay and erotic devotion and Morpheous brings his considerable experience to bear on this timely subject. He knows that in situations like this there is no one-size-fits-all answer, only the solutions relevant to the couple in question. Kinky sex, like all sexual relations, is expressly “built to suit.”
What about advanced toys such as electrical gizmos and the like? Morpheous helps the reader past their concerns and tells us how to use them both effectively as well as safely. He does the same with advanced bondage techniques, moving beyond the simple, four-point restraint on a comfy bed to more complicated setups using other furniture. No matter how far out the scenarios may be, Morpheous never loses sight of the first imperative of kinky sex: safety first. Since he wants us all to live to play another day he devotes an entire chapter on safety issues, from the “Duh, of course!” moment to points a more novice player would never imagine.
As with any other affinity group, kinky people are part of a community, with community standards, meetings, get-togethers (in kinky speak, “munches”), conventions (local, state, regional and national), pagents, websites, workshops, books and the like, the better for like-minded people to be able to find each other, be it for business, pleasure or mating purposes. Morpheous tells it like it is about how to become a member in good standing of one’s local kink organization, and how best to participate in it, be it as a host of a munch or play party, or the leader of it. Except for the behavior of the members, it’s not a lot different from the Rotary club, believe it or not—and what they do behind closed doors might be more similar than we imagine!
For those who want to professionalize their kink, either in front of the camera or behind it, the author does an excellent job of laying out, exactly, what it means to be a professional model or a kink photographer. What’s expected of each person in that role? How can one advance from being strictly amateur to actually getting paid for what has been, so far, just done for fun? How does one keep oneself safe, or create a workplace that is safe? If you think you may want to go down that path, this book is worth the price of admission just for that chapter alone.
Very few people take their first foray into kink and don’t find themselves wanting more; this book, then, is the entrée to How To Be Kinky’s appetizer. It will satiate your hunger for a more fulfilling and thrilling kink encounter, and it will pave your way into a full-time kinky lifestyle, if that’s what you’re looking for. Either way, I’m sure that by the time you’ve finished, you’ll be hungry for dessert!
Nina Hartley
Los Angeles
September, 2011
Chapter One
* * *
What is Kinkier?
It is not enough to conquer; one must learn to seduce.
—Voltaire
Oftentimes couples and singles that have spent time exploring a variety of kinks and found them to be enjoyable will want to branch out into exploring new territory, but before taking that next step several questions might ask
themselves: how do you know if you are ready to take your kinky play to the next level? What might the next level actually be? Is advanced sex bondage for you, or perhaps medical scenes that involve pretty shiny things that go “into” people? Does being “kinkier” mean you create a more extensive wardrobe or toy box or just become more creative with what you have? Should you own a slave or give yourself completely to a Mistress or Master? How can you know when the time is right, and that everything will be all right afterward? Is it kinkier to handcuff your boyfriend in a bathroom stall of the Hard Rock Café in Vegas while you blow him or is it kinkier to spend six hundred dollars on a new leather outfit that hugs your body like a second skin and makes you feel like the personification of sex in high heels? What about using nipple clamps that have been kept in the freezer, or fitting a butt plug inside your lover and then tying it in place and making her get dressed so you can take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant with it lodged secretly in place? How about leaving naughty voice mails for your lover describing in detail the filthiest things you can imagine and how you are going to do them to her when she gets home, knowing full well that when she picks up that message she is in a business meeting and just the sound of your voice makes her nipples stiffen every so slightly under her silk blouse, which you hope the others around her will notice? What about dressing up in your sexiest outfit and meeting your lover at a bar, pretending you don’t know each other, and then picking each other up and renting a sleazy motel room and fucking like animals? Would it be even kinkier if you paid your wife afterward like a slutty whore, or did things to her that were outside your regular sex life, like cumming on her face and telling her she is a tramp? What about buying 70 feet of plaster wrap at a medical supply store and casting your submissive on a Friday night and then fucking him while he is immobilized in the exact position you desire?
Facing Page: Is there any combination more exciting than a paddle and a bare ass?
Getting kinkier is all about finding your deepest desires and exploring them for real.
What does it mean to be kinkier and how is that different from regular kink? In this book I am going to explore some of the ways that you can intensify your sex life, from extra toys to simple and complex scenarios. We love toys in the kink world, from exquisite floggers to amazingly devious ball gags, but keep in mind that it isn’t always just about the equipment; making things kinkier is also about taking existing ideas or situations and twisting them to achieve a new outcome from even a familiar object or sensation. It all starts in the head: how twisted and devious is your mind? How twisted can it be? Pretty twisted, I’m betting. I’m sure you’ll have more than a few tasty ideas in mind before you even pick up this book.
You're only limited by your imagination—or the filthiest ideas of your Top!
Women with a new manicure or long nails: some lip balm packed under your nail will help stop you from scratching your clit when you masturbate.
In exploring your kinkier side—taking your interests and ramping them up—will you be putting your own or someone else’s safety or health at risk, physically or emotionally, just to get your rocks off? Where is your personal limit and what does that mean for your partner’s safety? How do you negotiate these issues so that everyone plays safely while still retaining the heated passion of kinkier playtime? When you play at a higher level of intensity, it’s all the more vital that you know you will be safe and that your partner will feel safe as well.
Getting kinkier is all about your own personal journey. Take as much time as you need to explore all the subtle nuances in your sex life in a healthy, positive way. While there are many people who can mentor you in various activities or protocols when you are making your life kinkier, the best judge of your evolution is you. If you make conscious decisions that are positive and encouraging for yourself and for your partners, you should have a very good idea of where you are and where you want to go while exploring kinkier sex. Mentors can help provide perspective for your journey but ultimately the journey is not theirs. However you want to be, you should own those feelings and desires. Knowing yourself is the best way for you to judge when to ebb and when to flow with your experiences. There will always be times when you want to try something new and the whole situation goes sideways. When we play at a higher level, we want to play with partners that know us, understand us, and will help support us. The true mark of someone’s character isn’t revealed during the soft fluffy moments in our lives when everything is going great, but rather during times of challenge. Playing with activities that are higher risk requires you to be much more cognizant of what is going on, whether you are a bottom, a Top, a slave or a Mistress. You should always be willing to be accountable for your actions or activities, and be able to step out of a role and be a responsible and caring person to your partner if things go awry.
Facing Page: Shelling out on a perfectly-fitting latex body suit can be the next step into kink.
Riding crops come with a lot of different and fun tips.
Honing Your Desire
What you want deep down and what you may think you want can be disconnected. I have seen this happen many times, especially with people who have some experience at kinky sex under their belts (or bedsheets!) but who are still learning about how to take things to another level. Perhaps there is something you want to explore—a particular activity or situation—but then when you actually have the experience, it doesn’t deliver the satisfaction you had anticipated. This is normal when you are exploring the myriad of possibilities with kinkier sex. It happens. Helping your partner talk about what he or she wants and listening closely will help both of you in the future for kinky exploration. Trying to figure out what the nugget of your interest is can take time, but the exploration can be fun!
For example: A submissive of mine once expressed the desire to be to be tied down very tightly and have an elaborate ritual performed on her. After that, she wanted to be penetrated, repeatedly, and called dirty, filthy, nasty names, the kind of names that would not only make her mother blush but would damn her entire family to the seventh level of hell. But during our playdate I found that the specific act of tying her up wasn’t eliciting the response she was hoping for. The bondage she requested wasn’t fitting in with the overall flow of the scene; it felt contrived and pushed. The scene was missing a certain intensity and passion and her actions were contradicting what she said she desired when it came to bondage specifically. Her body language showed that she wasn’t reacting to the bondage the way I had anticipated; she wasn’t particularly squirmy, nor was she dropping into a nice headspace. In her eyes there was a disconnectedness, something lacking: that spark of passion when you both are intensely into the scene and connected with each other. We tried to pick it up on the fly as we played and the overall scene was enjoyable but not as much fun as either of us had hoped. Afterward when we were relaxing and lounging around my loft in various states of undress while we slowly put ourselves back together, I prodded her gently with pertinent questions such as “How does it feel when you are bound versus when you are just told to stay still?” “What types of names do you find the most degrading versus the most arousing?” “How do those names make you feel and why?” Asking about her other fantasies and searching out a common thread in those led me to understand, and she eventually confirmed this the next time we played, that instead of a specific activity such as being bound and immobilized, what she really desired was license to give away her agency in making choices; to find freedom psychologically in the role and bondage, not having to make decisions, rather than just the physical act of being bound, seemed to be the keystone for her play. That was her “nugget.” Her desire to be bound and not have to make a decision was interesting and was a point of departure, but she also loved the dirty, filthy things I said to her during a scene, things that would objectify and dehumanize her. She yearned to have her everyday persona driven out of her for an hour or two and to just be instructed to act and perform. She desired h
umiliation that assailed her for not being sufficiently “trampy,” which is a delicious contradiction to her everyday, vanilla life where she normally strove to be a “good girl.” She wanted to be called a slut and a whore and forced to act like one in playtime. For her it was not having that “choice” between the two roles and being forced into that role of “trampy girl” that excited her most. It gave her the chance to have some inner quiet and peace while having a break from her real world, to turn down the volume of the noise of everyday life and be in the moment doing something she enjoyed where she could revel in the position of her own chosen submission, rather than the act of being bound.
Boot licking is a very powerful emotive experience for slaves.
Coil your rope in butterfly coils to reduce the tangles and snags.
1 Nipple piercings can make nipple play more interesting with a little ribbon. 2 They act as an anchor for your sexy time with their nipples. Tie a regular overhand knot behind the piercing, on top of the nipple. 3 Snug it down but not too tight. You are going for mmmm not ooowwwww! 4 Finish it with a second knot. 5 Mmm, pretty! 6 Do the same to the other nipple; you don’t want it to feel left out.
7 And finish it too with a second knot. 8 A firm steady tug will make your submissive follow you anywhere. 9 I said anywhere!
Poor little wet girl…
A woman’s scarf or man’s necktie is just as strong as quarter-inch nylon rope.
A gimp mask will make your slave feel like the sexual toy that they are.
If you don’t have any rope and if your partner is flexible enough to fold her arms behind her back, you can use a pillowcase to tie her up in a hotel room. Detailed on page 57.